The real reasons why so many LDS men can’t kick their pornography addiction.
I BRIEFLY CONSIDERED calling this “The Essay No One Wants to Read,” but then decided to plunge in and call it what it is, an explanation of exactly what keeps so many Mormon men from being able to find a permanent, bullet-proof way of staying away from pornography and compulsive sexual behavior. Before I do so, however, I want to make three points as background. First, although my intended audience is primarily Latter-day Saints, I am not suggesting that Mormons are any worse off in terms of pornography and sex addiction than society in general. We’re not. Many, if not most, men in America these days have significant problems with pornography and compulsive sexual behavior. For a fair number of these men, the response is simply to shrug and not to worry about it. “Men will be men. That’s how we’re wired. Gotta satisfy the urges or it’ll make us ‘unhealthy.’”
In contrast, I think that a large percentage of our Mormon men are suffering so badly right now because they are unable to live a life of integrity and are miserable as a result. They repeatedly and inexplicably engage in sexual behavior they know to be wrong and it is eating them up on the inside. In addition, a significant number of our women are struggling and suffering because they are unwilling to buy into the false but commonly-peddled notion that women just have to accept that “their men will be men”—pornography and masturbation are just part of the package. For Mormons—and others—something in our hearts and minds is telling us that this just isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. This isn’t what God intended.
Back From the Abyss. Second, I speak from the position of one who has been to hell and lived to tell about it. I am a recovering sex and pornography addict. For years, I acted out secretly on my addiction. During those same years, I fought to overcome my “little problem” like a man possessed. I refused to let it suck the life out of my marriage and my family. I refused to let it steal my soul. Until I found real recovery, however, my addiction was entirely indifferent to the depth of my devotion to faith and family, and methodically sucked and stole away at its leisure. That’s what addiction does.
Finding Recovery. Third, when I talk about being an addict in recovery, the emphasis is on recovery. Being in recovery means that I used to act out on my addiction but now I don’t—at all—ever. This doesn’t mean I’m somehow “cured” and will never have to worry about compulsive sexual behavior ever again. Like a recovering alcoholic, I will return to my drug if I ever quit working my program of recovery. The exciting thing for me, however, is that I’ve finally found a recovery path that works. It has enabled me to stop engaging in the behavior that was killing me and killing my marriage.
Photo courtesy of somadjimm by way of stock.xchng.
Before recovery, my wife and I both felt like we were sliding off separate cliffs into oblivion and just barely holding on by our bloody fingernails. Then one day, I stopped. I surrendered, gave it all up, turned it over to a loving Father in Heaven who had been patiently waiting for me, and walked away from it. Again, this doesn’t mean I just started to ignore the problem and miraculously it went way. I walked away from the addictive behavior by walking into a program of recovery that included therapy and 12 Step meetings.
I can now look my wife straight in the eye and tell her I’m sexually sober. I couldn’t do that before recovery. She knows my sobriety date and knows how long I’ve been sober. She knows that with God’s strength and blessing, I have repented and forsaken the sin. She looks back into my eyes with confidence, knowing that finally I have the ability to stay sober and never go back. Before recovery, she wasn’t able to do that. Things are much different now. I am able to live a life of integrity. My wife is able to live a life without fear.
Along with others in recovery, I have found what countless Mormon men are dying to find but failing: complete sexual sobriety. My wife has found what so many Mormon women would give up everything to have: a sexually sober husband. We don’t say this lightly or by way of boasting. We are talking about it because we want other people to have what we have—or simply to know that it is even possible. We want to see LDS husbands and wives with confidence in each other. We want to see Latter-day Saint women who trust their husbands, who don’t cry themselves to sleep at night, who don’t wonder what happened to their “happily ever after.”
We want to see Mormon men worthy of the priesthood they bear, worthy to lay their hands on their children’s heads and utter blessings that are too wonderful to describe, worthy to attend the temple with their wives and feel the presence of angels, worthy to stand as disciples of Christ having felt the full redemptive power of His Atonement. We want to see our people enjoying peace and love in this life with no secrets gnawing away at their insides.
[You can download a FREE PDF copy of this essay along with nine other essays by clicking here.]
All I have to say after reading these 10 pages is WOW!!!!
It rang true to my heart. I am a mom of three boys who are lust addicts. This all makes sense! No wonder they can’t overcome until the A and B are recognized. I am so excited to have found this information. I am forwarding it onto my boys and even my daughter who range in age from 20 to 28. I know this will be a large part of saving our family.
I know they have to make the choice to seek for help. You mentioned the 12 step program. Is it available in all of Utah? How do my sons get a sponsor?
Thanks so much for your added insight to this horrific addiction.
T: Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments. The LDS Church has its Pornography Addiction Support Group (PASG) throughout Utah. You need to make an assessment, however, about whether the program in your particular area is well-organized and effective. Usually, addicts must attend more than two meetings a week.
Many LDS husbands and fathers who struggle with sex and pornography addiction are finding great success in Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). In my experience, SA is far more effective than PASG for LDS men. I attend three meetings each week. I look forward to those meetings. They are inspiring and help me connect with men who have found a solution to the problem of sex and pornography addiction.
Also, sponsors are more readily available in SA than they are in PASG. That sponsor is the guy who will help the addict figure out the addiction and what character defects need to be worked on in order to overcome the compulsions to act out. Sponsors keep addicts from continuing the isolating behavior that was killing them.
I wish all the best for you and you family. We’re praying for you.
Thank you for your help and your success.
Andrew, I’m curious as to why you have found that the SA support groups are more effective than the PASG groups??? Why are there more sponsers in the SA groups?
I love, love, LOVE this. One of my BIG issues with the way the Church deals with a man’s pornography problem is the fact that (at least in what I’ve observed) they seem content to treat symptoms…..just revoke Priesthood and sacrament privileges until the guy stops viewing for a while. I’ve had several close friends who deal with the intense pain that you talk about wives feeling….and having their husband unable to give blessings to their kids certainly doesn’t help things any. Also, there’s almost no focus on treating the actual root cause of the compulsion. For that you have to look elsewhere….like a “for real” therapist.
I’m encouraged by the fact that recently in their talks on avoiding pornography, Church leaders are encouraging men with pornography problems to seek professional help.
Looking at porn at all is a problem if you are a committed Latter-day Saint. Our ideal of chastity is complete loyalty to your spouse: mind, body and spirit. Porn cannot be a part of that. I suppose I can understand that for people who don’t embrace that ideal, there can be such a thing as normal use of porn. But for a believing Mormon, there really is no such thing.
I’m with you, B. Jesus stated “that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her, hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matt. 5:28). With the Savior himself being very clear on the subject, I am always puzzled when I read or hear other Latter-day Saints extolling the sometime virtues of porn.
We have to make a distinction, however, between porn consumption and porn addiction. If someone is merely a porn consumer and wants to stop, then he’ll just stop. If someone is a porn addict, he’ll try to stop but fail and then try and fail repeatedly because the addiction is bigger and stronger than he is when he’s on his own. Our website is geared for the guys who have repeatedly tried to overcome their “porn problem,” but just can’t seem to do it. The reason: they’re addicted. If we can help them recognize their addiction, we can oftentimes help them get into a recovery program so that they’re able to stop the porn consumption once and for all. Recovery is definitely possible.
My husband is a porn addict who at this point I think has given up on ever getting over it. He feels so guilty that he has stopped attenting church with me and kids. It breaks my heart that no one understands this addiction and that we both feel hopeless. I cannot cure my husband no matter how much I want to. This was a hard lesson for me to learn.
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I’ve been married for several years. When I got married, I (not LDS at the time) knew that he “looked at porn occasionally” but eventually I found out that it was a much bigger problem than that. We’ve now been fighting this addiction for several years and we always go through that cycle you talk about of “Doing well, no porn, fall down, getback up, pray, move forwards, rinse, repeat” etc., ad nauseum.
The only thing that I’m disappointed about after reading this is that the closest SA and S-Anon meetings to me are about 1 1/2 hours away. The PASG program hasn’t really helped him. The Spouse program where we used to live was helping me but the “spouse program” run by the Church out here had morphed into a women’s addiction recovery program by the time I got to it and it gave me pretty much no help and actually left me feeling confused, isolated, more alone than before, and like I was somehow part of the problem. “Addicts usually marry addicts” wasn’t a particularly helpful thing to be told, nor was “Figure out what you’re doing to feed into it”.
Do you have any recommendations on finding support when there’s no S-Anon group nearby and the church group is zero help?
E: Thanks for reading and commenting. I’ll tell you what we’ve told others. If there is no program nearby, start your own. That’s what my wife did a year and a half ago. Now there are fifteen women attending, many of them LDS. You can call the S-Anon world headquarters and they’ll send you a start-up packet and give you contacts who will help you and support you. In addition, there are phone meetings you can attend that are fabulous. You are not the only LDS woman in your ward or stake who has an addict husband. There are probably dozens if not hundreds of women you know who are screaming on the inside and trying to understand what is going on with their husbands. Tell your bishop and stake president what you’re doing and point out that many LDS women all across North America are starting and attending S-Anon meetings and recovering their sanity.
The same goes for your husband. He can get the literature and start his own meeting. He should attend phone meetings to learn how an effective 12 Step meeting is run and then he can apply what he learns to a live meeting. All it takes is one other guy and he’ll have himself an SA meeting. The White Book of Sexaholics Anonymous and all the S-Anon literature are unbelievably insightful about addiction and co-addiction. They make running a meeting pretty easy. You read and then talk about what you’ve read. It’s pretty much a given that you’ll have a lot to talk about.
The other thing that I encourage you to do is go to your bishop and stake president and the coordinator from the local, sponsoring LDS Family Services and tell them that the PASG meetings and spouse meetings don’t work. You can tell them that you’re not the only ones who have realized this. Latter-day Saints across North America are recognizing that when it comes to addiction, loyalty to the Church and its weak effort at a recovery program amounts to disaster. Those Latter-day Saints who have found their way into SA and S-Anon have discovered that they are completely compatible with the Restored Gospel and infinitely more effective than anything LDSFS can offer. If it’s helpful, you can quote me: “If I had to rely on the Church’s PASG program for sobriety and recovery from sex and pornography addiction, I would be dead!” I mean that. I love the Lord; I love the Church; I don’t love PASG. The Church can do much better and the best would be to encourage addicts and spouses to go the SA and S-Anon. I will now get down off my soapbox.
Let us know if we can help.
My fiance has had a sexual addiction since the age of 12. Fourteen years later, we’re engaged to be married and he assures me he’s done. His last “slip” was right before we started dating. I love him, but am not convinced that his battle with his addiction is simply “done.” At times I feel as though I am filling that void temporarily, and after reading this article, wonder if I’m his relief to his lust addiction. I love him. I don’t know whether to marry him, though.
S: Thanks for reading and commenting. You have articulated one of the most important points in this great struggle against pornography and I hope you never dismiss it because it’s really that important: There is no such thing as being “done” with any addiction. You don’t wake up one day and *poof* miraculously you’re “done” with your pornography problem. As you read in “The ABCs of Addiction,” addicts are self-medicating with their drug. If they aren’t actively, consciously and purposefully dealing with the underlying debilitating emotions, it is impossible for them just to be “done.” You can’t overcome it by willpower either. I talk about that in my “Muck Fires” essay.
If you haven’t already done so, I encourage you read “The Silent Seventy Percent.” That essay talks about the men in the Church who are sincerely trying to overcome their porn problem on their own–but without the necessary tools and support. They end up minimizing the problem, isolating and lying. Without a recovery program that works, this is the natural progression of the addiction. They engage repeatedly in telestial conduct. all the while telling themselves that it’s no big deal and certainly nothing that a little extra temple attendance won’t take care of.
If you’ll allow me to offer some advice: Keep wondering whether you should marry him. If you do, you will be marrying his addiction, too. It’s part of the package. If he is actively working on a program of recovery and can articulate to you all of the elements of the program and why each is important to his recovery and sexual sobriety, then you will know exactly what you are getting yourself into. A man who honestly and transparently works such a recovery program will stay sexually sober and will be a fabulous husband, father and priesthood holder. In contrast, the man who mumbles vaguely about how he just prays and reads his scriptures and goes to the temple a bunch–and that takes care of it–is a liar. Marrying this man guarantees heartache.
One final thought, also discussed in “The Silent Seventy Percent”: your fiance is not alone. He is part of the great majority of the men in the Church (and outside the Church as well) who compulsively consume lust usually in the form of pornography. They are all suffering in shame and silence and wondering why they can’t just be “done” with it. If your fiance can find the courage to get fully immersed in a recovery program that includes Sexaholics Anonymous, lots of meetings, a sponsor and a therapist, he will become part of the shockingly small minority who are truly overcoming their addiction. He will find a freedom he has never know before and he will share his experience and lead other men to recovery as well.
I wish you all the best.
Andrew,
How do you figure out what normal sexual urges are, and what constitutes an addiction? What is the distinction between desiring a woman the right way versus lust?
You ask tough but important questions. Here are the long answers from my viewpoint. First of all, Andrew’s Definition of Addiction. Not very catchy, but it’s mine. I’m thinking about copyrighting it.
Here it is:
1. I want to stop looking at pornography and so I stop. Then I stop again. Then I stop again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
2. I stop countless times.
3. I can’t stay stopped.
4. I am addicted.
I am not a professional in any of the psychology fields. I am just an addict who thinks and writes a lot. Frankly, I don’t care if the professionals agree with my definition of not. I think that any person with a porn problem who honestly applies my definition to himself will be able to answer the question: Am I an addict? I suppose a wife could also apply it to her husband to determine whether he is an addict.
Second, when considering what constitutes normal sex urges, look at who we’re talking about. We’re talking about an LDS sex and porn addict with years and years of damage to his mind, personality and spirit caused by the misuse of sex, and the spouse of the addict who has most likely developed her own set of unhealthy habits and attitudes towards sex. I think a lot of sex addicts and co-addicts want to know what normal looks like so they can try to act normal. They think that if they act normal, then they’ll be normal. Addiction and co-addiction don’t work that way.
So when are sex urges normal? They’re normal when you are in control of them. Your urges don’t compel you to do things that you later regret, or that you feel compelled to keep secret, or that you plan to take to your grave. Normal sex urges don’t leave you feeling used or liked you’ve just used your spouse after sex. Normal sex urges don’t leave you wondering if these are normal sex urges.
And let’s be clear, addicts and co-addicts don’t have normal sex urges. They are so far past that. Sex has taken on a weird, desperate nature for them. If they are not in recovery from their addiction, the safest, healthiest thing for both of them is NO sex. And I guarantee you that’s not was a porn addict wants to hear. After all, he just has a “little problem.”
“Recall that the a in the Addiction Recovery Relationship is debilitating negative emotions. They include fear, anger, resentment, shame, humiliation, depression, negativism, anxiety, guilt, remorse, loneliness, and rage. While this is not a complete list, it is sufficient to make a point about what is crushing many Mormon men. Like men everywhere, they are dealing with the stresses of daily life, the finances, work issues, church callings, the children, the wife, and the marriage relationship. Most Mormon men don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t gamble, and don’t do drugs—all substances and behaviors often engaged in by addicts as a means of escaping reality and anesthetizing emotional pain.”
I feel like you’ve talked a lot about b and c, but not so much about a. If a is the underlying cause, how does one identify which “debilitating negative emotions” one is suffering from? Where (or how) does one learn to deal with the “stresses of daily life” in an appropriate, healthy manner? From the above paragraph, one can infer that drinking, smoking, gambling, and drugs are also ways to deal with stress, all of which are also not options for good LDS men. So where are the answers to dealing with a: the debilitating negative emotions?
Being unfamiliar with the SA program, am I to assume the answers to a are to be found in therapy and SA meetings? Or did I miss the point entirely?
I admit that, being desperate for help and answers, I have devoured all of your articles so quickly I may have missed this important step/information.
Ah, finally someone has identified my Achilles heel! You’re right that we don’t talk much about dealing with “debilitating negative emotions” and you’re also right that those kinds of things are best dealt with in counseling and in the course of a 12 Step recovery group. Dealing with the a in the Addiction Recovery Relationship is what I consider to be an “Advanced Topic in Recovery.” Right now, this site focuses more on “Recovery 101″–just helping Latter-day Saints understand the reality of addiction and the fact that no one can overcome it alone. In the near future, I plan to post more on “Advanced Topics in Recovery” as well as to share the experience, strength and hope of others who have found and progressed in recovery. Stay tuned!
Much mention is made in your article of the term “sexual sobriety”. Frankly, I think it’s a misnomer to use that term for people in a marriage relationship. Catholic monks can be sexually sober. LDS missionaries can be sexually sober. (Admittedly, sometimes individuals in both of those two groups are not sexually sober.)
Regardless, couples in a committed, loving marriage are going to be “monogamous.” Therefore, I think a better word or description to use would be “chastity” or being “chaste”. In the temple, chastity is described as having no sexual relations except with the husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully married.
To me, the phrase “sexual sobriety” is just a screwy term made up by psychologists and sociologists because they think that “chastity” sounds too old-fashioned. I recall the talks when I was young about “being in the world, but not of it”. I’m not so naive to think that Mormons aren’t both in and of the world. (Usually, however, even when we try to be “hip” we’re about 3-5 years behind the style curve.) In any event, I think you’re better off talking about “chastity” than “sexual sobriety” unless the goal is to try to sound New-Ageish.
WM, while I appreciate that you’re interested enough to read the site and comment, it seems to me that what you’re doing is akin to walking into a room of French speakers and then criticizing them because they’re not speaking English.
We have an established language on this site with established definitions. Much of that language and those definitions come from the White Book of Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and the literature in that program that supports it. The very reason I started this website was because I realized that SA and its view of lust and addiction could help Latter-day Saints understand and address that very lust and addiction that are currently wiping out LDS men, women, children and families–just as they are wreaking havoc in other families worldwide.
“Sexual sobriety” has a particular meaning: “No sex with self or any person other than spouse; and progressive victory over lust.” You seem to completely and repeatedly ignore that last part about progressive victory over lust! Sexual sobriety is not merely sexual abstinence! If that’s how it appears to you, then you’re not reading carefully or you just don’t care.
Sexual sobriety is also not chastity, one definition of which is no sexual intercourse at all (abstinence), and another of which is sexual behavior acceptable to the moral standards and guidelines of a religion. The way I see it–and others may differ with me–sexual sobriety is not so much a moral consideration as it is a survival consideration for those who are addicted to lust, whose lives are out of control and who believe that they have no other option than to observe sexual sobriety in order to stay alive and eventually enjoy a happy and useful life.
From your many comments, I get the impression that all this constitutes a vaguely entertaining intellectual excercise for you. I want you to understand that I take this very seriously–my life is at stake. If I do not find, embrace and live a program that effectively helps me overcome my addiction to lust, sex, pornography, connections, relationships and fantasy, I WILL DIE! I don’t want to die. My wife and kids don’t want me to die either.
Through Sexaholics Anonymous and the Church’s Pornography Addiction Support Group (PASG), I have met a lot of men and women of the LDS faith (as well as many more of other faiths) who also believe that their addiction to lust will lead to the death of their marriage, their relationship with their kids, their membership in the Church and eventually themselves. Like me, they are desperate. This is not a game.
Now, having said all of this, I will also say that the program of Sexaholics Anonymous coupled with therapy and the support of a well-informed priesthood leader is leading to addiction recovery for many members of the LDS Church. I have experienced it and I know many others who have as well.
So you can gripe all you want about definitions–none of which have anything to do with psychologists or New Age and everything to do with Alcoholics Anonymous and a bunch of sex addicts who asked Heavenly Father to help them figure things out–and then got His help. In the meantime, my friends and I will continue to work our program, to identify and eliminate the roots of lust in our lives, to attend meetings, to sponsor and be sponsored, to help others, and most importantly to enjoy recovery from addiction and the ability to live the Gospel of Jesus Christ fully–all because of sexual sobriety.
If you think you have a problem with pornography and compulsive sexual behavior, I encourage you to continue looking at what we’re sharing here. It has the potential to save your life.
If I am lusting after my neighbor, I am committing adultery in my heart, and would not be chaste. So, I would disagree with your assessment that I am ignoring “progressive victory over lust.” What I would say is that I didn’t fully articulate this particular aspect of chastity. Please understand that this is new to me: the terms, the concepts, and the behaviors. But, fair enough, if “sexual sobriety” is the language of SA, that’s fine. I recall reading an article in graduate school that stated in its introduction that “All definitions are arbitrary.” Once I know that, I can move on.
So, moving on, I still don’t get why you can’t accept that the LDS Addiction Recovery Program can and does work. And for those that are being helped, why denigrate it? It seems borderline apostasy to me. Through the meetings I’ve attended, I’ve seen changes for the better in many of the participants. Has it helped everyone? No, but I’m sure that’s true of the bulk of addiction recovery programs, including SA.
I would like to say that I’m not doing this simply because I feel like conducting some “vaguely entertaining intellectual exercise.” I’m doing this because I’m trying to get well. Don’t think that because somebody is questioning your beliefs and assumptions, that they have bad intents. I am not mocking you, don’t mock me.
I simply don’t want to go down paths that will not be productive. Perhaps I should say, I want to go down the most productive path that will get me well, keep me active in the Church, and strengthen my testimony of Jesus Christ. I find that I can do that within the LDSFS-sponsored meetings, with the help of my sponsor, and others within the groups that I attend. Perhaps next year, when I have money, I can add counseling to the mix, but my wife has already maxed out the FSA card for the year with her orthodontics work.
I would like to add that last week, I asked about SA in one of my meetings. That particular week, nobody there was newer than me. The “sexual sobriety” of the men attending ranged from 9 months to over 5 years. I specifically asked for their inputs regarding the need for more than 2 weekly 12 Step meetings, and whether they thought SA was beneficial. While a minority (approx 1/3) thought additional meetings would be helpful, the majority felt they were able to recover and get their addictive behaviors under control using the LDS ARP guidebook as their primary guide. They felt they didn’t need SA, that the LDSFS sponsored meetings were sufficient for them to recover. I don’t know if that would be true of the second group that I am now attending, but perhaps when I get to know them better, I’ll start asking them as well.
I must confess that I am reluctant to go to SA because my experience with non-LDS folks in other settings (e.g, Bible study) was one where I didn’t get a lot of spiritual insights. I have enough stress in my life already that I don’t want to take a chance on increasing the likelihood that my stress triggers will go off, and my addiction starts raging again. I don’t need to add losing my testimony the stress bucket list. That would not be good.
I understand your comment that you feel this is a life-and-death issue. As one brother stated in one of the meetings I attended this past week: “Once the fuse is lit, good luck getting it put out before something explodes.” In any event, I wish you well in the paths you have chosen. I believe I’ll stick with the LDSFS meetings until and unless they prove not to be helpful.
WM, perhaps the most important thing you said and what I hope a lot of people notice is that you went to the guys with sobriety and experience in your group and asked for their advice and opinion. “Nothing leads to sobriety more readily than associating with other addicts further along in recovery.”
If they are evidence to you of a real and lasting sexual sobriety then I say, “Do what they tell you to do.” If they can stay sober with the ARP manual, no sponsor and one meeting a week, then by all means, do exactly what they’re doing. They’re doing something right.
I don’t think I’m denigrating LDSFS so much as relating my experience and that of many others concerning the Church’s Pornography Addiction Support Group (PASG): no uniform sobriety definition, no sponsors, no phone list, no real understanding or discussion of the roots of addiction, service missionaries who refused to educate themselves about addiction, no meaningful sobriety.
That has been our experience. I don’t sugarcoat it because people’s lives–including my own–are at stake. I have repeatedly said that I would be dead if PASG was the only thing available to me.
If men and women who have achieved lasting sexuality sobriety through PASG were willing to share their stories of recovery, I would happily post them here. I’m not talking about apologists who “have a testimony of PASG,” but rather individuals who are able to articulate how their program of recovery has helped them address and overcome the a and b of the Addiction Recovery Relationship. These folks will be able to talk about coming to recognize resentment in their lives, learning to spot triggers, surrendering their right to lust to Heavenly Father and simply coming to recognize the different facets of lust that they used to self-medicate.
I’m sure you’re right that there are some people who have achieved sobriety through PASG–I’ve just never personally met any of them face to face or online. By contrast, I’ve met a lot of LDS folks who have achieved lasting recovery and sexual sobriety through Sexaholics Anonymous. They make up some of the most devout and Christ-like members of the LDS Church I’ve ever met. I want to emulate them.
Again, that’s just my experience. I would love for someone to share with me the same experience from the PASG camp.
Finally I thinks it’s ironic that as two admitted LDS porn addicts are engaged in an exchange of ideas and the suggestion of apostasy comes up, it concerns not the shocking quantity and utter vulgarity and hellish filthiness of what you and I have both seen and heard, but rather whether I’m bad mouthing LDS Family Services.
No, my friend, criticizing LDSFS is not apostasy. But binging on porn and compulsive sexual behavior as an endowed Melchizedek Priesthood holder most assuredly is apostasy of the highest order. Let’s work together to help ourselves and others stop the apostasy.
Thank you Andrew. The depth of your sobriety plus consistent insight throughout this website is a testament to SA. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
What is the best way to stay open and helpful with a ‘recoverying’ spouse who becomes intensely defensive when their wife asks for empathetic understanding or tries to shed light on the resentment he seems to carry so deeply? How did my husband in his eyes become the victim? Why does he feel so justified in blaming me for many of the things I did not even know were taking place? He is attending a LDS 12 step program but I guess I expected he would feel a huge weight off of his shoulders when he decided to be more open and honest in our marriage. If he is not ready for the kind of deep honest recovery you are encouraging on your website what would you recommend a wife do? We were separated for many many months expecting to divorce and then, gratefully, we reunited as it seemed he felt committed to change. Your site is so helpful I will continue to read for ideas but also wanted to ask your advice. Thank you.
Like everyone else, I am also very grateful to have stumble upon your website. My husband and I had a rough weekend. Whether it be the spirit or just my “wife intuition” I knew he had relapsed. This has been going off and on for a big part of our young 7 year marriage and I have felt completely lost on how to help him. I found some meetings in our area, and he says hes willing to attend.
He mentioned wanting to talk with our bishop, but he also expressed some hesitation because we live in such a small town. I also have the same reservations, our bishop has sometimes made comments he probably shouldn’t have about other members in our ward, my husband is highly respected in our recovery and I’ve tried so very hard to keep up the perfect mormon family facade. (ridiculous I know.) My grandma has been to several LDS Recovery Meetings and would probably say “a family is only as sick as its secrets.”
Thanks again for your articles! They are so very insightful and have given us the push we needed into sobriety.
I think you have some great points, especially about porn/masturbation being used as ways to medicate feelings of emotional pain, etc. I have a question – in your experience with those who have struggled with this, is the porn/masturbation always used as a “coping mechanism” for relief of some other underlying issue? (be it emotional pain like you mentioned, etc?) Or, can it be that in some cases, they are simply seeking a sexual release, to relieve physical tension that can build up when a male doesn’t ejaculate for a period of time? I ask this very frankly, I hope you don’t mind – I’m unmarried myself, and I would be lying if I said that, despite being unmarried, I of course have sexual urges that can build up and cause tension if not relieved.
Is porn use and/or masturbation always rooted in an escape from emotional pain/some other issue, or, at times (particularly for those not married/without any sexual outlet) is it simply a way people seek relief from sexual tension and the literal physical discomfort that arises from unexpressed sexuality? I would appreciate any insight you have in this, thanks!
Kind of a tough question. It depends on what you mean by “those who have struggled with this.” I am an addict. My mind is an addict’s mind. I have found that other addicts think and behave similarly, so much so that we often refer to “our collective experience.” So if you’re referring to sex addicts, then, yes, I’d say that pornography and masturbation are almost always “coping mechanisms” used to self-medicate and numb away feelings we don’t want to feel.
If, however, you’re talking about people who just have a “little problem with porn,” then I have no idea. Those folks who apparently aren’t addicted and just have a “bad habit” are outside the scope of what I understand. I wish them well in their efforts to avoid the addiction label.
Thanks for your input, I would agree that many addictions and potential addictions definitely have their roots in using them as escapes (kind of like the a+b=c concept you described, with the solution being in addressing the root cause).
My daughter’s boyfriend (return missionary) just told her he had a porn addiction before his mission. How worried should I be? What questions does she need to ask him? He didn’t have any problems on his mission but has only been home a few months. She doesn’t know any details, such as: How young did he start viewing porn? How often and serious was the addiction? Did he have counseling before his mission? Was it serious enough to need counseling now? Does she need to know all these questions? Any insight and experience with this problem would be greatly appreciated.
Why is the title specifically targeted to men? I know you mention “(and women)” frequently in your article, but I feel as though you’re saying the a-b-c method and porn addiction in general, applies only to men. Are there ever women at SA meetings?
Good point. When I wrote the essay, I didn’t know any LDS women who were also sex addicts in recovery. In contrast, I knew a number of LDS men. I could only write about what was familiar to me and what had been expressed to me by other men.
Since then, I’ve met a few LDS women in recovery. One of them recently wrote a guest post here on RowboatAndMarbles.org. She and other LDS women talk about how difficult it is for them in a culture that places such a premium on the appearance of perfection. But they–like a lot of LDS men–are coming to see that they’re not alone. They’re also learning that the surest path to recovery is by following in the footsteps of other addicts who are further along in recovery. Isolation and secrecy are just as deadly to women as they are to men.
Women occasionally attend SA meetings where I live and they make a tremendous contribution to the tone and spirit of the meeting.
Ha! I forgot that I had written this comment. I actually came back to share with you that I have started my own blog. You’re blog was a staple in to me understanding my addiction in the first place. Feel free to read: http://a12stepjournal.blogspot.com/2013/03/chapter-two.html
I am a 24 year-old Mormon returned missionary guy that was recently engaged to the girl of my dreams. She knows that I have struggled with pornography “in the past,” and that I am occasionally tempted by it. I desperately want to take care of this BIG PROBLEM by myself. I am terrified that she will not want to marry me if I still have a significant problem. The thing is, I didn’t really think I had THAT big of a problem anymore. However, I do know i will always have to deal with it. Here is an outline of my current pornography problem; I very rarely think or fantasize about pornography and I never feel inclined to look for it. The only times that I catch myself seeking pornography is when I accidentally see a sexually charged image on the Internet. 9 times out of 10 I immediately put it out of my sight and think no more upon it. Occasionally (every 2-4 months), however, I will see such an image while in a “bluish” mood and will seek for additional arousal. These instances last for about 15 minutes. I will be deeply grateful for any insight.
I hope you’ll read my essays on “Muck Fires” and “ABCs of Addiction.”
Not a huge fan of downplaying prayer and scripture study repeatedly in this article. When I prayed 4-10 times a day and read my scriptures for 30 minutes + I had not problem in my life. When I stopped, then the problem would eventually return. However, I would probably not be categorized as an addict, and your article is careful to make a distinction between consumers and addicts.. I’ve read accounts of addicts, and I’ve never even come close to experiencing what they have.
I do however love your insights into the relationship “lust” hits. I totatally do that. You put in a way that was masterfully written. Also, your little plurp how online facebook flirtations can also be lust hits. That is so true. Placing a simple comment to “lift someone elses spirts” while secretly fantacising about that person is a dangerous game to play.
While I don’t agree with large chuncks of the article, there are some insights that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Thank you.
Joe, thanks for the comment and for visiting the site. Please understand that I’m not denigrating actual prayer and scripture study at all. They are very important to me and my recovery. What I am bringing to light, however, is dishonest behavior–stuff I used to do instead of actually dealing with my problem. Rather than talking to the bishop or educating myself about addiction, I dishonestly convinced myself that prayer and scripture reading were going to solve the problem–so I could keep this whole thing a secret.
If secrecy and isolation were what really motivated me to keep trying “prayer and scripture study” as a solution to my problem, it’s no wonder that program didn’t work for me. It appears that I’m not alone either and that a lot of other addicts have had the same experience of failure due to dishonesty of purpose.
These days, I prayer in order to connect with Heavenly Father and I study the scriptures in order to better understand His will. I no longer use those two activities as a smoke screen to cover up “my little problem” in order to stay in secrecy and isolation.
When I get emails from other LDS addicts in recovery, they seem to relate most often to “dishonest prayer and scripture study.” Once we figured out what true recovery required and how honest prayer and scripture study fit into that recovery, we were able to recognize the dishonesty that had motivated us in the past.
I’ve been addicted to porn since I’ve 8 years old when someone showed it to me; after being told it was wrong several years later in church (what parent would think that would be a problem with their 8 year old?) I’ve spent nearly every day since for the last 21 years praying and reading my scriptures trying to ‘cure’ myself. Sure, it helps, and sometimes I’ve gone 2 months with no problems (managed 2 years out on my mission)…until out of nowhere it hits again, and no matter how much I loathe it 99.9% of the time and don’t want to indulge, it only takes that one time to send me right back down to the bottom of the pit, where I begin once more the long journey out. After having a conversation with someone and praying recently, I finally really swallowed the last bit of my pride and realized that this whole time I’ve been asking the Lord for help, I was subconsciously and consciously ignoring the very tools He’s provided to do just that! God has provided counsel and programs to help us with these issues, and by refusing those tools out of pride, thinking we can do it on our own, we are denying the very help we so frequently pray for…if insanity can be defined as doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, then I’ve been insane. At least for me, it’s time to let go of the last bit of illusion of self control that I have, and realize that I can’t do it on my own…if 21 years of fruitless battle hasn’t taught me that, then I don’t know what will. I’m tired of being a slave, whether it’s once a day or once every few months…once is too much.
Well, he is certainly not going to “get over it” on his own. If he really wanted to change he would seek out a recovery program (here you will find only people that understand this addiction). If he isn’t then he has chosen the addiction over you and your three children. Why are you settling for this? Are you aware of the pain this inflicting on your kids? Stop enabling him and get out. At least for now. If he finally gets sober then great – THEN, and only then, can you and he start to heal your marriage. You are absolutely right that you cannot “cure” him, but why would he change when there are no real consequences for him? You are a powerful force in his recovery, you can also be a powerful force in his continuation with this destructive, deceitful practice. You are both acting like the victim and until you take back control of your life you will stay a victim. Your choice. Use your voice and find your strength. He will be able to find his own strength through you as you put your foot down and demand more from life. He needs to earn his right to be with his family.
I don’t agree with your advice. I am not a victim just because my husband is a porn addict. I have my own life and I can choose to be happy or go down the same path my husband is choosing. I choose to be happy! Just because someone’s husband is addicted to something does not mean that they need to get divorced. It depends on the people involved and what is good for those people. I have kids and we are happy. My husband has an addiction but that does not make him a bad person satan just found his weakness and he needs to learn to over come it.
I have been in recovery for about 4 years from codependency. I have learned that the Atonement can heal me no matter what my husband is doing. I can still find peace and happiness no matter what because the Atonement is for me as an individual and it has nothing to do with what my husband or anyone else is doing. Like it has been said before not every situation is the same and there is not just one solution that works.
I have a question maybe someone can answer. Why does porn addiction change their personality? All the addicts I know are moody when craving porn.
All addicts are like that regardless of the drug. Here’s a link to a Tedx lecture about the effect of porn on the brain: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
You might also check out Dr. Donald Hilton’s book He Restoreth My Soul: Understanding the Breaking the Chains of Chemical and Spiritual Addiction Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He’s an LDS neurosurgeon. Great book.
Andrew:
I’ve been coming to your website for some time, and making comments on your offerings from time to time. I don’t know why it took so long for me to read this bulwork of an essay, but I’m glad I did so today. I’ve been feeling oh-so confident at times over the past year, since I began my recovery process with an intensive 3-day retreat. At times, I would be so happy to say in group, that I have 2 1/2 months ‘sobriety’. And when hearing from some of the other men that they had struggled just yesterday, I would feel so good about my ‘progress’. What I was doing, though, was exactly what you described…putting an ‘x’ on the calendar date. I would also see women at the store, the mall, wherever, and think…well you know what I thought. I have been lusting all this time, even though I admitted it only in the instances of my acting out. No porn, no masturbation alone does not mean no lust.
I love your ABC description, as well as your description of lust – ANYthing that is coming into my mind, eyes, world that could in the LEAST be medicating for me. Like Sports Illustrated (which I looked at, but didn’t think was so bad), or church girls in their short dresses, and high heels. Hey I wasn’t ‘acting out’, so I was good, right? NO, I WAS ACTING IN! I love that concept!
I just have to ask you, though – you had to get this info from somewhere, or someone. Did the a->b->c model come from a book that you could recommend?
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you so much, for what you did for me today!
SH: Thanks for the kind words. The ABC thing was all me, but the idea came about when I was trying to figure out a way to quickly explain to Latter-day Saints why our anti-porn fight was currently failing and was in fact destined to fail: We were chopping frantically at the branches (porn) instead of the trunk (lust) and the roots (debilitating negative emotions). And the thing about the roots–as we’re both learning–is that they actually have little to do with sex and porn. When I wasn’t in recovery, I was self-medicating to drown out painful or uncomfortable emotions just as an alcoholic would. It’s just that I was doing it with lust rather than booze.
The principles underlying the ABCs, however, certainly aren’t my own. They are drawn mostly from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the White Book of Sexaholics Anonymous. I think those two books are vital reading for anyone trying to understand the “porn problem” or sex-pornography-lust addiction. The White Book in particular is very clear that the problem is lust, not just porn, and that a lust addict becomes incredibly adept at finding sources of lust from which to take lust hits even while he’s telling himself what a great job he’s doing at “staying away from porn.” It has been quite a humbling experience to read and reread the White Book, each time seeing more clearly how much I’ve obsessed over lust during my life, even from a very young age.
The great thing for me is seeing the progress that comes from working my program. Sexaholics Anonymous has helped me find a release from my mental obsession with lust and re-enter life to enjoy healthy connections with Heavenly Father and the people around me.
Thanks again for reading.