The ABCs of Porn Addiction | An LDS View

The real reasons why so many LDS men can’t kick their pornography addiction.

Photo by Frank Gualtieri (in the public domain)

WHY CALL THIS ESSAY “The ABCs of Porn Addiction”? Well, I briefly considered calling it “The Essay No One Wants to Read,” but then decided to plunge in and call it what it is, an explanation of exactly what keeps so many Mormon men from being able to find a permanent, bullet-proof way of staying away from pornography and compulsive sexual behavior. Before I do so, however, I want to make three points as background. First, although my intended audience is primarily Latter-day Saints, I am not suggesting that Mormons are any worse off in terms of pornography and sex addiction than society in general. We’re not. Many, if not most, men in America these days have significant problems with pornography and compulsive sexual behavior. For a fair number of these men, the response is simply to shrug and not to worry about it. “Men will be men. That’s how we’re wired. Gotta satisfy the urges or it’ll make us ‘unhealthy.’”

In contrast, I think that a large percentage of our Mormon men are suffering so badly right now because they are unable to live a life of integrity and are miserable as a result. They repeatedly and inexplicably engage in sexual behavior they know to be wrong and it is eating them up on the inside. In addition, a significant number of our women are struggling and suffering because they are unwilling to buy into the false but commonly-peddled notion that women just have to accept that “their men will be men”—pornography and masturbation are just part of the package. For Mormons—and others—something in our hearts and minds is telling us that this just isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. This isn’t what God intended.

Back From the Abyss and Finding Recovery.

Second, I speak from the position of one who has been to hell and lived to tell about it. I am a recovering sex and pornography addict. For years, I acted out secretly on my addiction. During those same years, I fought to overcome my “little problem” like a man possessed. I refused to let it suck the life out of my marriage and my family. I refused to let it steal my soul. Until I found real recovery, however, my addiction was entirely indifferent to the depth of my devotion to faith and family, and methodically sucked and stole away at its leisure. That’s what addiction does.

Third, when I talk about being an addict in recovery, the emphasis is on recovery. Being in recovery means that I used to act out on my addiction but now I don’t—at all—ever. This doesn’t mean I’m somehow “cured” and will never have to worry about compulsive sexual behavior ever again. Like a recovering alcoholic, I will return to my drug if I ever quit working my program of recovery. The exciting thing for me, however, is that I’ve finally found a recovery path that works. It has enabled me to stop engaging in the behavior that was killing me and killing my marriage.

The ABCs of Porn Addiction

Photo courtesy of somadjimm by way of stock.xchng.

Before recovery, my wife and I both felt like we were sliding off separate cliffs into oblivion and just barely holding on by our bloody fingernails. Then one day, I stopped. I surrendered, gave it all up, turned it over to a loving Father in Heaven who had been patiently waiting for me, and walked away from it. Again, this doesn’t mean I just started to ignore the problem and miraculously it went way. I walked away from the addictive behavior by walking into a program of recovery that included therapy and 12 Step meetings.

I can now look my wife straight in the eye and tell her I’m sexually sober. I couldn’t do that before recovery. She knows my sobriety date and knows how long I’ve been sober. She knows that with God’s strength and blessing, I have repented and forsaken the sin. She looks back into my eyes with confidence, knowing that finally I have the ability to stay sober and never go back. Before recovery, she wasn’t able to do that. Things are much different now. I am able to live a life of integrity. My wife is able to live a life without fear.

Along with others in recovery, I have found what countless Mormon men are dying to find but failing: complete sexual sobriety. My wife has found what so many Mormon women would give up everything to have: a sexually sober husband. We don’t say this lightly or by way of boasting. We are talking about it because we want other people to have what we have—or simply to know that it is even possible. We want to see LDS husbands and wives with confidence in each other. We want to see Latter-day Saint women who trust their husbands, who don’t cry themselves to sleep at night, who don’t wonder what happened to their “happily ever after.”

We want to see Mormon men worthy of the priesthood they bear, worthy to lay their hands on their children’s heads and utter blessings that are too wonderful to describe, worthy to attend the temple with their wives and feel the presence of angels, worthy to stand as disciples of Christ having felt the full redemptive power of His Atonement. We want to see our people enjoying peace and love in this life with no secrets gnawing away at their insides.


Comments

The ABCs of Porn Addiction | An LDS View — 82 Comments

    • Shannon, I think it is very rare for someone to overcome this addiction without being able to talk about it with others. I’m sure it happens, but I have only seen true recovery in those who work the 12 Steps and attend regularly. One option is to encourage him to try the phone in meetings. You can find phone in meetings on the LDS addiction recovery website. Start there and work your way into the face-to-face meetings. Also, one word of warning. Resistance to being willing to go to any length to overcome this, even attending meetings with other addicts, is potentially a red flag. All the addicts I know in recovery did not think they needed the meetings — until they were able to swallow their pride and realize that they were addicted. It’s a hard thing for addicts to recognize. It took me 23 years to finally realize it. He’ll find recovery when he wants it. Eventually one will come to the point where the pain of the addiction outweighs the pain of going through true recovery.

      • The answer is yes. It is important that he talks to someone. There are many therapists trained in dealing with sexual addiction.
        My husband had issues with the 12 step program’s process. While it is overwhelmingly accepted, it is not for everyone. Just because it has helped many does not mean it is his only path.

      • Shannon, there is another side of this that everyone ignores. Sex (at its core) is about acceptance rather than wanting orgasm. Guys addicted to porn are often craving acceptance from their partner. Many would prefer acceptance from their partner.

        It is worth lurking on this board: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/ to see what that might look like from your partner’s point of view. Read to listen and understand. Ask yourself if your partner might be feeling similar feelings. There is so much hurt there. Just think about it.

        While porn is on him, you are not helpless if you wish to support his overcoming it. There was an interesting article about addiction recently: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

        Elizabeth Smart has been speaking out against the Church’s current sex education. I find myself agreeing with her. I was not prepared for a happy sex life within our temple marriage. I still found sex (or aspects of sex) very shameful and didn’t fully understand what sex was for. Sex is of God. Porn is not the only problem. We can do better.

    • Shannon, I’m in two Facebook groups with nearly 1,000 spouses of addicts. We refer to ourselves as WoPAs (wife of porn addicts). Of all those women, I have yet to see one wife, from among those with husbands who won’t go to meetings, say anything to indicate any hope of lasting recovery. Yeah, they go through periods of sobriety. But I’m not seeing any of them actually getting into recovery. Of those who do only phone in or online meetings, I’ve seen maybe one who is actually showing signs of being on the road to recovery, as opposed to just periods of sobriety within the addiction cycle. In person meetings, with a face to face sponsor to work through the steps, appears to be critical to recovery. Yes, they can talk through their issues with a therapist. But only a recovering addict can guide an addict on the path to recovery.

      IMO, if an addict is not willing to step out of his comfort zone to attend meetings, then he is placing a higher priority on his addiction than he is on recovery. If the pain of the addiction has become greater than the pain of the effort and sacrifice required to get into and maintain recovery, he will do whatever it takes to get into recovery, including attending meetings he doesn’t want to attend. If the first SA meeting doesn’t feel like a good fit for him, tell him to try another. But I would try any group for at least a month before deciding it isn’t the right group. Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting acclimated. Definitely look for SA, not SAA. The philosophies are very different.

      Here is Andrew’s take on it, from his post “Another Letter to the LDS Woman…”

      “First, those who get into and stay in recovery do four things: complete honesty with their wife or some other person, complete honesty with their bishop, therapy with a professional person experienced in treating sexual addictions, and active participation in an effective 12 Step group more than two times a week. Second, those who don’t get sober and find true recovery don’t do those four things. This is not to say that this is absolutely the only way to get sexually sober and stay in true recovery. I don’t know that it is. What I do know, however, is what I’ve seen and what I’ve seen is that men who stay in recovery do those four things while those who fail to recover don’t do them.”

  1. Any ideas for where single women can get help?

    I’ve tried going to Bishops for over 25 years and they just say, “Uh, well, Sister, this is a man’s problem. We don’t have many women that have this problem.” “There’s nothing i can do for you, ” “What do you want ME to do about it? ” “”No, Sister, I can’t help you. ” etc…. Only one Bishop has even offered his time and then promptly told me that I shouldn’t be needing help because i teach the gospel principles class. He pressured me into a temple recommend and that was it. He insists I’ve done all I can do and i just need to be happy and move on. No help to forsake this ugly sin.

    No 12 step meetings in the area for women. Men only.

    I’ve gone to two professional counselors who offered zero ideas or help (one just wanted to look down my shirt…nothing more…not kidding).

    They say I’m not alone, but that’s news to me. I’ve been screaming for help for 25 years! Where is this supposed help to be found?

    • Please read the book “He Restoreth My Soul” by Dr. Donald L. Hilton, who is LDS. It is amazing and will change your life! Pornography is actually a very common issue even among LDS women! It’s just that most women feel that, just as your bishops have said, it’s just a man’s problem so they suffer very quietly. Lifestar is great! Also, you can attend the general addiction meetings in your area. You do not have to say what addiction you are struggling with but you can go to learn how to use the 12 steps in your life. You can do it! It is very possible!

  2. Great post. I think the one thing that is starting to bother me within the Church is that I am seeing a lot of people become bishops and stake presidents who have no clue how to really get over a porn addiction. They give the usual canned answers of “just pray harder” and things like that. I have kind of given up on seeking them out for help. I still think that talking to SOMEONE is important, but a lot of times the Bishop is the person you should simply “confess” to and not necesarilly “seek out advice” from.

    I know that stats say that there really is a small percentage of men in the world that have never looked at porn or masturbated in their entire lives. I say kudos and good job to these men; but the few guys who I have met in my life that fall into that rare category have only done so simply because they are born with low sex-drives. In other words they didn’t obtain their freedom from porn through “figuring out the secret that the rest of us can’t get”, but were simply born not that interested in sex to begin with. However, alot of these guys in this demographic are the ones made bishops and stake presidents. So when someone comes seeking their help with porn and masturbation, they are absolutely clueless on how to get over it. Some of these clueless leaders I have met can be rather smug and arrogant, but some genuienly want to help. But either way the help they provide is terrible.

    In the military when you have been to war you get to wear a combat patch on your right shoulder on your uniform, signifying that you have been deployed. When a leader gets in front of a large group to give a breifing on how to conduct combat operations, soldiers want to see a combat patch on them. We want to know that they have been in the fight, and speak from expierence. When someone gets up to brief and that right shoulder patch is bare, we often tune them out. They only know of hypotheticals and what the manual says. They have never really fought the fight and been in the battle.

    I guess what I am trying to say is don’t look to your bishop as the end-all/be-all if you are struggling. Honestly, people can tell if they are getting bad advice, regardless of whatever title the person holds who is giving it. If the advice is just say your prayers and read your scriptures, chalk it up as good, but not what you need. Seek out 12 Step programs, or licensed therapist. It is rare to actually find a bishop who really knows what he’s talking about when it comes to getting over porn and masurbation.

    • Bishops and Stake Presidents aren’t trained therapists — they are simply mortal men trying to do their best, just like you and me. As you said, they are there for the repentance part of recovery not to teach us how to stop our behavioral issues.

  3. Thankyou sincerely from the bottom of my heart it is truly amazing that some how the Lord has spoken I earnestly feel through you, thank you..

  4. I can vouch that the 12 step recovery meeting doesn’t work for everybody. I have been attending since 2005 every week. I have yet to overcome this problem. I have yet to go and entire month without relapsing. Can somebody else respond on an alternative route to the 12 step recovery program? Please withhold your judgment on my intention to overcome this or whether my heart is in the right place because I failed to capitalize on the 12 step recovery program from the church.

    • I’d encourage you to jump into Sexaholics Anonymous with enthusiasm. I know a lot of Latter-day Saints who have found solid recovery in the program.

  5. This is the same stuff that I hear every time I go to a meeting:

    It IS possible! You CAN do it!!

    Look, I totally get that motivation and communication are essential toward recovery. That being said as someone trying to get over their sexual addiction, I was hoping that this article would discuss some of the neurological and physiological aspects of hypersexuality and discuss some of the ways you personally overcame it. This is the same thing that is discussed every time the church talks about this addiction. “You can be free again,” that’s great, but it doesn’t help me get over the addiction itself. Same thing with the addiction recovery program. It teaches us how to repent and accept, but only speaks in vague terms when it comes overcoming the addiction that we’re supposed to overcome.

    I’ve tried fasting and praying for these desires to go away, and for a time they do, but it’s never permanent. I’ll be good for a few weeks, but during a stressful semester at college, a lonely moment of weakness, or even just an inappropriate dream, I always succumb to temptation. I’m tired of it. If I’m failing because my faith is weak, I will accept that and work toward improving my faith. Problem is, I have no idea how to do that because no matter how much I strengthen my testimony, no matter how many conference talks I listen to or verses I read, the minute I relapse it all goes away.

    I desperately want to overcome this, and I don’t want to give up without a fight. That includes looking up and attempting every method that righteously to overcome this from different discipline methods, to group meetings, to camps, to therapy, to medication, to hypnosis (with permission from my bishop of course), to surgery, to negative reinforcement, to whatever else is out there. I’m over the crippling depression now and accepted the situation for what it is. Had I read this article last year, it would have raised my spirits and given me the motivation I needed to wake up and accept the day.

    My suggestion is to write another article detailing the methods that you used to overcome your addiction to masturbation and pornography. (I would read it)

    Thanks,
    Matthew

    • There’s a hundred and something posts on this site in which I talk about how my recovery plan works. Here’s the quick version:

      I go to lots of Sexaholics Anonymous meetings. If an SA meeting isn’t available, I sometimes go to AA meetings even though I’m not an alcoholic. I have a sponsor in SA. I have all the SA literature and read it on my own and with friends in the program. I avoid secrecy and isolation. I work the 12 steps as set forth in AA and SA literature.

      I don’t bother with the LDS Church’s addiction program in my area. It’s weak to a point of being useless. Other Mormons have shared similar experiences with their local programs.

      I also don’t pay much attention to the LDS Addiction Recovery Manual. It’s beautifully formatted (and I mean beautifully) but not well written when it comes to talking about addiction. It does an impeccable job of mixing up addiction and sin, recovery and repentance. They’re not the same thing, but the manual talks about them as if they are.

      I always try to remember that my recovery program and my repentance program are not the same thing. My repentance program involves prayer, reading the scriptures, checking in with my bishop and working to fulfill the missions of the Church and the Gospel. My recovery program involves prayer, reading SA and AA literature, checking in with a sponsor, working the 12 steps, working with other addicts in recovery and going to lots and lots of SA meetings.

      I’ve talked with both my bishop and stake president about the weaknesses in the Church’s program. They understand. In fact, my stake president encourages members of the stake to go to SA and S-Anon meetings.

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