While the piece talked about ways couples can communicate and take care of each other’s sexual “needs” (well, I guess it would mostly be the man’s “needs”), they never addressed how men can grow up and actually forgo sex for any duration of time without having an emotional breakdown or secretly taking care of their urges–which the article, of course, didn’t address at all.

Is Lust a “Weapon of War” I’m Willing to Give Up?

Drawing by Albert Racinet (in the public domain)

On a related note, I was just reading in the Book of Mormon the other day where the Anti-Nephi-Lehies allowed themselves to be slaughtered rather than taking up their weapons of war.

Mormon wrote in Alma 24:18:

And this they did, it being in their view a testimony to God, and also to men, that they never would use weapons again for the shedding of man’s blood; and this they did, vouching and covenanting with God, that rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would give up their own lives; and rather than take away from a brother they would give unto him; and rather than spend their days in idleness they would labor abundantly with their hands.

In the context of sexual sobriety, I kept thinking about my addiction to lust as my own “weapon of war” and how rather than take it up again in any form, I’d give up my own life (perform service or duties at home, church, or work), and rather than take from a brother (insert any relationship), I would prefer to give of myself.

Sexual Sobriety Has Helped Me Grow Up

Instead of throwing a fit when my wife doesn’t want to have sex, God has given me in my recovery the ability to go without and remain emotionally stable. Instead of begging, manipulating, sulking, leaving, or becoming irritated, I try to spend more time at home deriving real pleasure from playing, serving, loving, surprising my family with good deeds. You know, good ol’ fashioned quality time that doesn’t involve a television.

For Mormons, maybe–just maybe–there’s another option besides masturbation and sexual repression.

Every once in a while, an exchange happens down in the comments that really ought to be its own post. Recently, a reader (Matt S) took issue with an essay from back in January 2013 entitled “The Single Most Important Secret About Sex that Every Mormon Needs to Know Now,” and I responded vigorously and with emotion. (If you haven’t read the post, the “secret” is that sex is optional and you won’t die if you don’t get it.) In case it isn’t clear from what I say below, sexual addiction is a life-and-death struggle for me. The “life of masturbation” that the reader insists upon will kill me, so it’s not an option–even if it were in the least bit appealing, which it’s not.

Infinite atonement = infinite recovery

This isn’t merely an interesting intellectual exercise for me. I don’t have time to sit around and wait for the rest of the world to realize that the Great Porn Experiment that started in the 1950s and continues to this day is destroying individuals, families and societies. My family and I are NOT going down with that ship! And we’re going to help as many people climb into the lifeboat with us as care to join us. The beauty of Christ’s atonement is that it’s infinite, which means that the beauty of addiction recovery is that it’s also infinite.

So Here’s What Matt S Had to Say:

Ouch, my friend, those are some fiery darts. I’ll make you a deal: I’ll educate myself some more about sexual repression and you educate yourself some more about sexual addiction and maybe we can meet back here in a couple months and have a meaningful conversation.

In the meantime, I’ll tell you what I’ve told many others: This website is not for everyone. It is for people whose sexual behavior is out of control and is leading to chaos and insanity. It’s also for their spouses and priesthood leaders. If you just have a little “periodic masturbation issue” that doesn’t really bug you too much, then move on!

If, on the other hand, your sexual behavior is progressively escalating to more and more shocking and dangerous behavior that is destroying your sanity and your wife’s, too, then we’ve got some things to talk about. And to be clear, it’s not about repressing sexual urges.

Masturbation or Sexual Repression? That’s It?

So you’re saying that masturbation is a need and that I’ll be unhealthy if I don’t engage in it–because my only other option is sexual repression? Are you serious? Those are my only two options? Masturbation or sexual repression? That’s it? That’s how God made me? To masturbate or to bury and desperately try to ignore the “flames of lust”?

The Third Option

Matt, I’d like to introduce you to the Third Option: Arrive at a real understanding of lust and how it impairs my life, thoughts and behavior, and then–with God’s help and the help of a therapist and a bunch of guys in Sexaholics Anonymous–eliminate lust and my obsession with it from my life. Guess what? Happy life, happy wife, no more masturbation, no more porn, no more guilt, a return of feelings of integrity, able to look people straight in the eye, able to connect in healthy ways with the people around me. And that’s not sexual repression, my friend. That’s what happens when a son of God removes an obsession with lust from his life.

I don’t want what you’re pitching, Matt. I don’t want a life of masturbation. It never made me happy. NEVER! I don’t want to have to do mental gymnastics to justify my fantasies and masturbation just so I don’t feel bad whenever I read Christ’s admonition about lust in the heart equating with adultery (Matthew 5:28). He said it. That ends the debate for me.

I Am a Lust Addict

Broken brain – a reversible condition for Mormon addicts who become willing to do whatever it takes to find recovery.

See, Matt, I’m addicted to lust. For years, my behavior spiraled downward into darker and more dangerous depths. I nearly died as a result of my compulsions and obsessions. Then one day, another LDS man said, “Andrew, your brain is broken. You’re addicted to sex and you can’t get over it on your own. It can’t be done–on your own–so quit trying!” He was speaking from experience, one addict sharing with another about his experience, strength and hope. He introduced me to Sexaholics Anonymous and he saved my life. I am happy now. No sexual repression here! Just a guy who continues to learn how to eliminate lust from his life.

Rejecting a Life of Masturbation–For Something So Much Better

The life of masturbation that you want me to accept and embrace, Matt, will amount to a death sentence for me. Like the alcoholic, one drink is too many and ten thousand isn’t enough. I don’t want to die. Instead I prefer to live a life of serenity, integrity and connection with Heavenly Father and the people around me. I prefer to live a life of meaning. Masturbation does not provide me with meaning, just more insatiable lust.

Like I said, Matt, I don’t want what you seem to have. If someone is struggling like I was and losing the battle to compulsive sexual behavior as his life spirals out of control, I pray to God that he runs into me before he runs into you. I have something to offer him–and it ain’t masturbation. You might do well to listen to your own advice: “Educate yourself so you aren’t suggesting courses of action that will harm others.”

[Brain sketch based on image by Dgg32 at zh.wikipedia [GFDL or CC-BY-SA-3.0], from Wikimedia Commons.]

Image courtesy of Mattox by way of stock.xchng.

I realized yesterday and I am sad to admit that I had somehow forgotten how little I really know about the depth of the pain I have inflicted over and over again on my wife because of the years of act out behavior associated with my sex addiction. Somewhere along the line, I had begun to assume from seeing the smile on her face that the pain was all gone–that she had “moved on.”

In 2008, my wife was diagnosed with a type of cancer from which most women do not survive. When the doctors make that diagnosis, they also suggest that you get your affairs in order. She underwent major surgery and, having survived that, was subjected to several months of chemotherapy. Her eyes looked tired. Her gorgeous brown hair fell out. (She saved it all in a zip-loc baggy in her cedar chest.) Through the misery, however, her radiant smile remained unchanged.

Image courtesy of Zephyre by way of Wikimedia Commons

One year later, she celebrated life by training and then doing a 100-mile bike ride in Southern California. In 2011, with many more century rides under her belt, she finished the Death Ride–130 miles, 15,000 feet of vertical climb over five mountain passes in the High Sierras. It involved suffering different from the cancer, but no less real. She smiled the whole time.

She has been through an enormous amount of pain in her life. She is actually something of a connoisseur of hurt and as such has the blessings of insight and perspective that many don’t have. Between me and the cancer and the cycling and all of her other life’s challenges, she can look compassionately into the eyes of just about any Mormon woman on the planet and say with absolute confidence, “I know exactly how you feel.”

Because I now have some distance from the wreckage of my past, I can actually bear to look at it and see it for what it was. I can stand to talk about it with my wife and discuss how it has impacted her. She tells me–and I believe her–that my addict behavior has hurt her more than the cancer, the surgery, the chemotherapy and the fear of dying. It has hurt her more than anything else she has experienced in her life.

By James Tissot (in the public domain)

Recovery from addiction brings with it the ability to hear and internalize hard things. I know what the solution to my sex addiction requires and I am experiencing Heavenly Father’s healing power made possible, we are told, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. So is my wife in her own experience of recovery.

I have been reminded that she is still hurting on some (perhaps many) levels because of what I’ve subjected her to. This isn’t what she signed up for. Nevertheless, she is healing and she is doing so on a timeline that she is working out with her Father in Heaven, not me.

My job is to stay in recovery, to share that recovery experience with as many other people as I can–and to remember with some humility that I cannot fathom the pain I have inflicted on my wife because of my sex addiction. For the rest of eternity, everything I say or do should reflect two guiding truths to her: “I’m sorry” and “You’re more important to me than breathing.”

Why Potiphar’s Wife Is So Appealing to Sex Addicts

I will note here that Potiphar’s wife is actually incredibly attractive to a sex addict. She was a woman with wealth, power and a lustful interest in Joseph. Lust addiction is comprised of at least two obsessions: to lust after others and to be lusted after. It is so enticing to the sex addict to fantasize about a lustful connection with some fantasy woman (or man). The other part of lust that is so often overlooked, however, is the desire to be lusted after by that fantasy person. Sex addicts want to be in Joseph’s shoes. They want to be lusted after.

When I was in seminary and learning about the story of Joseph, I definitely wanted to be him. I wanted to be lusted after–and then say no. I was splitting hairs. I couldn’t see that I was fantasizing in order to get the lust hit of being lusted after.

Joseph Was Not a Sex Addict

So here’s the important question for me here and now: How did Joseph respond to Mrs. Potiphar’s attention? I think one thing is abundantly clear from the story and that’s that Joseph was not a sex addict. It is evident that he was able to reason clearly, decide the proper course (“How can I do this great wickedness?”) and then live his life with integrity.

People who are mentally healthy (i.e., not active sex addicts for starters) have the ability to think–and then act–logically like Joseph did. Active addicts, however, do not have that ability. The Super Glue of addiction is obsessive thinking. Active addicts start to think about their drug and then cannot stop. If Joseph had been a lust addict, he would have started thinking about what Mrs. Potiphar was offering and then would have been helpless as the obsessive thinking gradually (or quickly) increased in power until it dominated his thinking and he acted on the obsession. Welcome to my world before recovery.

Joseph, however, didn’t do this. He didn’t obsess because he had the freedom not to obsess. Since he was not an active addict, he was able to act with integrity. So how can the story of Joseph help me?

Using Joseph’s Story to Help LDS Sex Addicts

In my opinion, Mormons have missed the point of the story if they’re using it to try and educate addicts about what they’re supposed to do. Too many Mormons remain convinced that the real problem with addicts is that they’re idiots and just don’t understand the simplest principles of the Gospel. Most Mormons think the problem would be solved if sex and porn addicts just learned that the law of chastity is important and that sexual immorality is bad, bad, bad!

We need to keep in mind this idea of mental obsession. When I am active in my addiction, I am obsessed with lust and no amount of logic or willpower will by itself break that obsession. Thinking about the story of Joseph will not by itself break the obsession. What it will do, however, is help me perceive my degree of sexual sobriety and then take action if necessary.

Talking Over My Sobriety With Someone Else

If I or my wife or my sponsor spots a mental obsession with lust in my thinking or behavior, we talk about it and I know immediately that I’m not in “Joseph mode.” I’m not thinking rationally because the obsession with lust prevents rational thinking. That’s when I go to work to disrupt the obsession with the lust. I do the things I talked about in Part 1. I don’t isolate. I don’t keep secrets. I go to meetings of Sexaholics Anonymous. I work the steps. I make phone calls to other recovering addicts who are further along in recovery than I am.

You’ll notice that I take action on the obsession–not the porn. Way too many Mormon men are getting wiped out because they keep trying to fight the porn, rather than fighting (more accurately, disrupting and overcoming) the obsession with lust. Once I disrupt the obsession, I am able to see the porn or the objectification of a woman or the lust fantasies as they really are: desperate efforts of an addicted brain to get its drug and use it to self-medicate. Without the obsessive thinking, porn and other kinds of lust lose their appeal. I can then make the rational decision to behave like Joseph who “got him out.”

Am I in “Joseph mode”? If I am, how can I stay there? If I’m not, what actions do I need to take to get there?

In Part 3, I’ll talk about more of the same, only this time from the perspective of David, someone who destroyed his own life and that of many others because he was lust impaired and couldn’t break the obsession.

Credit: Painting by Guido Reni (1575-1642) [in the public domain]

Disrupting the Obsession with Lust

In addition to prayer, my recovery requires healthy interaction with others (Evening Prayer by Anna Ancher (1859-1935)).

My experience has been that disrupting the obsession is most effective when I employ all the tools of recovery at my disposal. These include but are definitely not limited to:

• Calling my sponsor and talking about where my head is;
• Calling SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) members from my phone list and talking about where my head is;
• Reading the scriptures with a particular view to understanding what Heavenly Father wants me to be, how Jesus Christ’s sacrifice can heal me and those around me, and how individuals in the scriptures got outside of themselves and their own problems so they could give service to others;
• Praying and asking Heavenly Father for the strength to pick up the phone and call someone, or to get in the car and drive to an SA meeting;
• Visiting with my LDS bishop and talking about where my head is and asking if there’s anyone in the ward for whom I may be of service;
• Visiting with my LDS stake president and talking about where my head is and asking if there’s anyone in the stake for whom I may be of service;
• Calling one or both of my home teachers and talking to them about where my head is (they both know I’m a recovering addict and, in fact, one of them is, too) and thanking them for being of service to me;
• Telling my wife I love her and asking if there’s a way for me to be of service to her or our kids;
• Engaging in specific acts of service for my family or others without having to ask them about it first;
• Spending time with one or several of my children, without cell phones or television or internet or other distractions, talking about what’s going on in their lives, playing games that they pick, or going shopping with them for something fun they want;
• Getting out my journal and writing about where my head is and then calling my sponsor or someone else with recovery experience to share what I’ve written;
• Engaging in athletic activity that involves healthy interaction with others (i.e., a team sport).

Addict in Isolation or Interaction?

The big questions I have to ask myself repeatedly are, “Am I trying to isolate myself from others? Am I trying to keep secrets–even little ones of the “not-really-a-sin” variety? What, if anything, am I doing to make sure I’m not obsessing about my drug, lust?” You’ll notice that much of what I mention above involves healthy interaction with other human beings or preparing in some way for that healthy interaction.

One problem I face, however, is understanding how I’m actually doing in the mental, emotional and spiritual facets of my recovery. There are two stories in the Old Testament that help me as an addict see whether I’m dealing effectively with my obsession with lust. One is the story of Joseph in Egypt; the other is the story of David. In the next couple post, I’ll talk about those those two stories. I’m pretty sure that this will be a new take for most Latter-day Saints.

The way things worked out, I attended on average three face-to-face meetings a week and made it to four phone meetings to round out my schedule. So what happened? Well, I learned an enormous amount from the other addicts in recovery and quite a bit from addicts who weren’t in recovery at all. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope in those meetings and when I went to at least a meeting a day, some of it was bound to rub off on me.

Meetings of Sexaholics Anonymous are often a mix of individuals with many years of sexual sobriety and others who have no sobriety at all. Being able to listen to both groups as well as those whose sobriety is somewhere in between is inspiring. The “old-timers” talk about what works for them and what doesn’t work. But more importantly, I think, is that by listening to them, you get to hear what recovery sounds like. And by watching them, you get to see how individuals in recovery from sex and porn addiction behave. They are quietly optimistic. They are healthy in their outlook on life. They have a natural patience and compassion for those who are still suffering that brings to mind the Savior as he healed the sick (See 3 Nephi 17:5-9).

One of the first things I noticed when I first started attending meetings of Sexaholics Anonymous a few years back what that those SAs with long-term recovery weren’t at all fixated on sex or sexual behavior. I guess it kind of surprised me. I figured that since the problem was sex and porn, that’s what everyone would be talking about. To the contrary, those in long-term recovery all recognized that at the root of addiction was actually a painful bunch of character defects that we addicts are trying to cover up and drown out with our drug of choice, lust. The further you get in recovery, the more you focus on those character defects, bringing them out into the light, asking Heavenly Father to help you change them into strengths, making amends and saying, “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong” quicker. The old-timers remind us that, in the end, overcoming compulsive sexual behavior involves way more than just stopping the compulsive sexual behavior.

But listening to the newcomers during my 90 in 90 was also invaluable to my recovery. See, most addicts don’t realize that their brains are pickled and impaired by their drug. They don’t know that lust has changed their personality, their spirit, their appearance and their behavior. They can’t see it, but recovering addicts can. When we listen to them talk, it is a mirror into ourselves as we used to be and as we could once again become if we don’t work diligently on recovery. We are reminded of how crazy we were when we first started coming to meetings. We are also reminded of how crazy we start to get when we quit working an effective recovery program.

We don’t criticize the newcomers in SA. To the contrary, we want them to feel welcome and safe. They are the most important people at the meeting. They are our reason for existing as an organization. We want them to talk about where they are in their recovery and where they’ve come from. In the LDS Church, we encourage new members to share their testimonies. It is in sharing a testimony that it grows. Same goes for SA–only substitute “recovery” for “testimony.”

After ninety meetings in ninety days, my wife and kids notice a difference in my demeanor and spirit. I’m a better husband, father and follower of Jesus Christ. How about that? Ninety meetings of Sexaholics Anonymous in ninety days has made me a better Mormon!

I’m reproducing the Sexual Addiction Reading List here because I think it’s still a good resource for those looking to understand sex and pornography addiction from an LDS perspective. (Not all the authors are LDS.) The headings and any commentary, both of which arguably would have been proprietary, have been deleted and replaced with my own. Don’t forget to check out the bonus part.

Sexual Addiction Reading List

Part 1: For LDS Pornography Addicts

[I thinks it's important to ask yourself as you're reading these books, "Do the authors see porn addiction as a disease to overcome or just a really bad habit to break?" Understanding the difference is vital to true recovery.]

• Confronting Pornography: A Guide to Prevention and Recovery for Individuals, Loved Ones, and Leaders, edited by Mark Chamberlain, Dan Gray, and Rory Reid
• Willpower Is Not Enough: Why We Don’t Succeed at Change, Dean Byrd and Mark Chamberlain
• Putting on the Armor of God, Steven A. Cramer
• The Worth of a Soul: A Personal Account of Excommunication and Conversion, Steven A. Cramer
• Turn Yourselves and Live, Rod W. Jeppsen
• Line upon Line, Precept upon Precept . . .,  Rod W. Jeppsen
• Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior, Jeffrey M. Schwartz
• Wanting More: The Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction, Mark Chamberlain
• The Drug of the New Millennium: The Brain Science behind Internet Pornography Use, Mark Kastleman
• Where Do You Draw the Line?: An Exploration into Media Violence, Pornography, and Censorship, Victor Cline
• Breaking the Cycle of Compulsive Behavior, Martha Nibley Beck and John C. Beck
• Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery, Patrick Carnes
• He Did Deliver Me from Bondage, Colleen Harrison
• Out Of The Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, Patrick Carnes
• Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict, Patrick Carnes
• Sexaholics Anonymous White Book

Part 2: For LDS Spouses and Loved Ones of Porn Addicts

[The number one thing to keep in mind while reading these books: "I didn't cause my spouse's addiction, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Heavenly Father, however, most definitely can--and will--change my spouse on the inside sufficiently to overcome the addiction, but only if he (or she) becomes willing to do whatever it takes to find true recovery. In the meantime, I need protection and healing from the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical trauma that comes from living with a sex and pornography addict."]

• Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting, and Enjoying the Self, Charles Whitfield
• Discussing Pornography Problems with a Spouse: Confronting and Disclosing Secret Behaviors, Rory C. Reid and Dan Gray
• Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Act of Change in Key Relationships, Harriet Lerner
• Purity and Passion: Spiritual Truths about Intimacy That Will Strengthen Your Marriage, Wendy L. Watson
• After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, Janis A. Spring
• How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, Janis A. Spring
• Codependent No More: Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie
• Lord, I Believe; Help Thou Mine Unbelief, Rod W. Jeppsen

Part 3: Articles from LDS Publications or by LDS Leaders

[Mostly from the Ensign and General Conference addresses, these articles primarily confirm that pornography is harmful and that we should do whatever we can to avoid becoming addicted. Very inspiring if one is not yet addicted. Of limited utility, however, for those who are already addicted.]

• “The Sanctity of Womanhood,” Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 2000, 36–38
• “Finding the Way Back,” Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1990, 74–76
• “Focus and Priorities,” Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, May 2001, 82–84
• “Revelation in a Changing World,” Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, Nov. 1989, 14–16
• “According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts,” Neal A. Maxwell, Ensign, Nov. 1996, 21–23
• “Tangled in the Web,” Name Withheld, Ensign, Aug. 2001, 48–51
• “You Can’t Pet a Rattlesnake,” David E. Sorensen, Ensign, May 2001, 41–42
• “The Pornography Trap,” Victor Cline and Brad Wilcox, Marriage and Families, Sept. 2002, 10
• “Leave the Obscene Unseen,” R. Gary Shapiro, Ensign, Aug. 1989, 26–29
• “A Tragic Evil among Us,” Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 59–62
• “Pornography,” Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, May 2005, 87–90

Bonus Part 4: My Additions to the Reading List

If I were in charge of the addiction recovery website effort at Church headquarters in Salt Lake City, I’d add a whole bunch of books. I consider the following four books to offer the clearest and most useful readings about porn addiction recovery and being married to a pornography addict currently available to members of the LDS Church:

• What Can I Do About Him Me?: Healing from the Trauma of My Husband’s Pornography and Sexual Addiction, Rhyll Anne Croshaw
• Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction: A Resource for LDS Families and Leaders, published by SALifeline.org
• He Restoreth My Soul: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography Addiction Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, Donald R. Hilton, MD
• Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship: Essays of Hope About Recovery from Sex and Pornography Addiction from an LDS Perspective, Andrew P

The Sower by James Tissot (Brooklyn Museum) [public domain]

After the five sessions of Conference that I watched, I had pages and pages of notes as well as some new insights about addiction recovery running through my brain. Hopefully, they’ll make it into a post or two on Rowboat and Marbles in the near future.

As I sat in our local chapel watching the satellite broadcast of General Priesthood Meeting on Saturday evening, I looked over at my sixteen-year-old son who listened attentively. Six months ago, when he heard President Monson’s announcement about the minimum age for LDS missionaries dropping from nineteen to eighteen, he was hit by a sudden realization that his mission was not too far off. He is working hard to be prepared. He wants to be a missionary who can help people. Heavenly Father has blessed him with a compassionate heart. I think he’ll be a great addition to the Lord’s team.

As I watched him, my mind drifted into the future. I pictured myself placing my hands on his head to ordain him as an elder and to give him a father’s blessing before he left us for two years. I made a mental list of the men we would likely invite to stand in the circle of priesthood holders during the ordination, men who have been very important in our lives. Here’s what’s interesting: With the exception of our bishop and stake president, every other priesthood holder that is on my list to be in that circle is a currently recovering sex and porn addict. And it would be a pretty big circle.

That’s how I feel about LDS porn addicts. And the promise of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Front page of the LDS Church’s new website overcomingpornography.org

A couple weeks ago, I posted about the Sexual Addiction Reading List found on the LDS Church’s pornography addiction recovery website. One thing I mentioned was that while the site was a good initial effort, the Church hasn’t really done a whole lot to update the site or keep it current.

Well, I guess someone over there in Salt Lake City heard me, because I noticed this past Sunday that the website had not only been refreshed, but had also received a new URL, overcomingpornography.org. I think the name change is significant because it gets away from the combat-battle-fight imagery that is so appealing to addicts who want to get over their “little problem” on their own–through willpower–and focuses instead on what really works–overcoming addiction by using the tools that Heavenly Father has given us, including other addicts who are further along in recovery.

The new website’s full title is “Overcoming Pornography Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” On the front page is the image of Harry Anderson’s famously moving painting of the Savior looking to heaven as he kneels beside an olive tree in the Garden of Gethsemane. This landing page is clearly intended to be simple. It contains little more than link buttons for just three topics: “Individuals,” “Family and Friends,” and “Church Leaders.” If you click through, you’ll find three similarly formatted pages with links to relevant information.

The following is from a Church News article yesterday by staff writer Ryan Morgenegg: “Working together under inspired leadership, the Church Welfare and Priesthood Departments pooled resources and knowledge to build a site that provides practical examples, tools, and prevention techniques with spiritual power to change and overcome addiction.” While that’s all well and good, you see pretty quickly that this “new website” is really nothing more than four or five new landing pages slapped in front of the old content. Addicts need more than this. We need more than a new front page with soft, inviting colors. I hope someone in Salt Lake is listening.

The article also quotes Elder Craig A. Cardon of the Seventy: “While with His disciples on the eve of His gift of the Atonement to the world, the Savior declared, ‘In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world’ (John 16:33).  Through the enabling and the redeeming power of the Atonement, all those affected in any way by the pernicious plague of pornography may be strengthened to overcome it and be healed of its evil consequences.” Sounds good to me.

I have witnessed this very miracle as addicts I know became willing to do whatever it took and then actually did whatever it took to overcome their addiction. The Atonement of Jesus Christ took root in their lives as they became able to “forsake the sin.” Heavenly Father changed their hearts in ways that only He can. Through recovery and the Atonement, addicts become not merely good men and women, but actually powerful and enthusiastic disciples of Christ. I aspire to be like them.

Unfortunately, the same shortcomings of the old site persist in the new one. Surely someone at Church Headquarters will address them in the near future. Two of them are:

1. There is no consistent definition of addiction on the site. The articles float back and forth between pornography consumption as an addiction or as merely a bad habit. Sometimes the pieces even use the words “addiction” and “habit” interchangeably in the same sentence. Speaking as an addict in recovery, that’s bad, bad, bad! It’s confusing and harmful to addicts who are just trying to figure out addiction, let alone find recovery from it.

2. The site zeroes in on porn without reference to the more deadly problem of lust. As I’ve said many times, when we focus exclusively on pornography, it’s kind of like focusing on Coors Light in the context of alcoholism. Giving up Coors Light is only meaningful to the alcoholic if he or she also gives up all alcohol at the same time. Lust addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful in the mind of the addict. It is tough to spot and incredibly difficult to overcome if you’re addicted to it–usually because you don’t understand it. A big reason why most “porn addicts” fail to recover is because they have absolutely no clue that they are continuing to feed a steady stream of lust into their brains–all while they’re fighting to stay away from porn. The site needs to do a better job of teaching addicts how to overcome lust–not just porn.

My favorite part of the Morgenegg news articles was the quote from President Monson’s closing address in the April 2009 General Conference. To those who were addicted to pornography, he said very simply, “Seek the help you need to overcome and to change the direction of your life.” Translation: Get help from others because secrecy and isolation don’t work! For that single message alone, this new website is important for Latter-day Saints.

I like re-telling a tale as much as the next self-published author. What follows is my take on one of my favorite modern parables. As a Mormon addict in recovery who spent years trying to take care of my “little porn problem” on my own, in secrecy and isolation, I sigh and shake my head every time I recount this little fable.

The Death of Pious Jack

A devout Christian with more faith than any ten non-Bible Belt church congregations combined (we’ll call him Pious Jack) looks out the window of his humble but very tastefully decorated cottage. He realizes that the torrential rains of the past several days have become a river that now runs through his neighborhood where the road used to be. When he turns on the radio, a frantic reporter reads a news bulletin advising all residents to leave immediately and find safety before the deadly flood waters rise up and swallow everything.

As a man of renowned piety (he is frequently referred to as “the most pious man in Choctaw County, State of Mississippi” by admirers and detractors alike), he recognizes a great opportunity to exercise some of that massive faith he’s been storing up. Looking heavenward with all the piety he can muster, he cries, “Lord, I’m counting on You to save me here!”

Salvation by Rowboat–Not Interested

A few hours later, the flood waters have risen to the level of his porch. A couple neighbors happen by, huffing and puffing and straining on the oars of a sturdy little rowboat. “We’re headed to higher ground, PJ!” they call. “Come on! We’ve got room for you!”

“Thank you kindly,” responds Pious Jack, “but I’m just fine! God is going to save me!” The neighbors glance worriedly at each other, but then shrug and row off. Pious Jack thinks he might have heard one of them muttering something like, “Pious…another word…brain-dead!” But with the din of the pounding rain and the creaking and cracking of nearby structures as they collapse into the river of mud and debris, he can’t be sure.

“No matter,” he says to himself. “Rowing gives me callouses. Lucky I have this massive faith so I don’t have to do all that exhausting and sweaty work like my neighbors do.”

More hours pass and the flood continues to rise. Pious Jack has long since been forced to climb a trellis to get up on the roof. “There goes the wisteria,” he mutters, but immediately repents of this impious complaint. Eventually, the muddy waters are lapping at the lowest row of shingles. “Right now I’m wishing I hadn’t paid such a premium for the 30-year warranty when I re-roofed last year,” he sighs.

“No Pontoon Boat for Me!”

At one point, a search-and-rescue boat from the Choctaw County sheriff’s office appears, fighting through what is quickly becoming a mighty deluge the likes of which have not been seen since Noah finished swinging in a hammock on the ark. A deputy calls out to Pious Jack, “Hold on! We’re coming to save you!” The boat cautiously edges toward our man who by this time is precariously straddling the peak of his roof.

To the deputy’s dismay, Pious Jack suddenly rises up in mighty power and, with a vigorous and dismissive wave of his hand, calls out in a distinctly Charlton Heston-esque voice, “No need, my good man! God is going to save me! Carry on!” The search-and-rescue boat changes course and picks its way through uprooted trees, half-submerged farm equipment and expired lifestock, moving on to save other lingering and now-stranded residents of the town.

A few more hours pass and Pious Jack finds himself perched trepidatiously on top of his chimney. He is soaked through from the rain and shivering and his loafers are stained with river gunk, but he remains resolute, even stoic. You know, “My head is bloody, but unbowed…,” and all that “Invictus” stuff. After all, a faith as massive as Pious Jack’s must not go to waste.

Last Chance

Now, a Coast Guard helicopter swoops down and a seaman drops a rescue harness. “Strap yourself into the harness,” he calls to Pious Jack, “and we’ll haul you up.” Sensing a test of his mighty faith, Pious Jack edges away from the harness, carefully so as not to slip off the chimney and into the dark, roiling waters. “Not going to happen! God will save me!” And the helicopter flies off.

The Pearly Gates of Heaven

The flood waters rise. Sadly, Pious Jack drowns miserably. A short time later, he finds himself hovering in the clouds before some beautiful pearly gates. Experiencing sudden mixed emotions, he sees that God Himself is manning the entry into heaven. With some indignation (mingled of course with a piety that only comes from years of practice), Pious Jack approaches God and demands an explanation. “I had the requisite faith–in fact, massive, blue whale-sized faith is what we’re talking about here–and I fully expected You to save me! What happened?”

With the tender love of a patient parent, God looks at Pious Jack and says, “Well, let’s see. I sent a rowboat, a search-and-rescue team and a helicopter. What more did you want?”

***

What If I Had a Similar Conversation with God?

So here’s the question I repeatedly ask myself: When it comes to overcoming my sex and pornography addiction, am I acting like Pious Jack?

Before finding recovery, I could have pictured a similar exchange between God and me at the pearly gates. I would have looked at Heavenly Father and said with dismay, “Hey, you know this porn problem I’ve had for pretty much my whole life? Well, I don’t get it. I prayed and I read my scriptures, and then I read my scriptures and I prayed, but I never seemed to be able to stay away from the porn for long–and certainly not permanently. What did I miss? I had the necessary faith–surely enough to move Mount Kilimanjaro–didn’t I? With that kind of faith, why didn’t I get what I asked for: strength to overcome my little porn problem?

And then in this imaginary conversation with God, I would hear Him sigh and tell me softly, “My son, I put the strength you prayed for into the people around you. I put well-informed priesthood leaders in your path who could have helped–if you had been willing. I inspired counselors and therapists with a knowledge and understanding of addiction recovery who also could have helped–had you been willing.

“And let’s not forget,” He would continue, “the effective 12 Step programs like Sexaholics Anonymous. There were wonderful and inspiring addicts in recovery in those groups who really could have helped you find lasting sexual sobriety and recovery–had you been willing to accept the help. But you weren’t. And here’s the most disappointing part: Because you never found recovery for yourself, you were never able to help any of the other addicts out there either. You couldn’t give what you didn’t have. Like Pious Jack in the fable, you drowned–and then so did they.”

I don’t ever want to have that conversation. I don’t want to be like Pious Jack.

Credits: river going over fenced banks: Walter Siegmund (Own work) [GFDL, CC-BY-SA-3.0 or CC-BY-2.5], via Wikimedia Commons
two guys living dangerously: Walter Siegmund (Own work) [GFDL, CC-BY-SA-3.0 or CC-BY-2.5], via Wikimedia Commons
Sheriff search and rescue: public domain
Coast Guard helicopter: public domain