“Hey, leave me alone! This is just the way I am!” Is that really what sex addicts are saying?
A while back, I wrote my first essay on recovery from sex and pornography addiction, Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship. I pointed out that it seems like a lot of people don’t like the idea that sex and porn addiction could even be real. Apparently, they don’t want to make this concession because, in their minds, it would eliminate the accountability of the individual addict.
A recent piece by a New Mexico psychologist in a UK paper is a prime example. In his essay in the Telegraph, Dr. David J. Ley, who says he treats sexuality issues in his practice, scoffs at the idea that sex could be addictive. He says in essence that guys with a “sex problem” are really just selfish and lack self-control. He points out this fact to his patients, whereupon his patients engage in some introspection and then simply decide to stop having their sex problem–whatever it may be. In other words, self-awareness and acceptance of who they are fix these guys. They aren’t addicted. Rather, they just lack understanding of the fact that they can enjoy and control sex. Oh, and they’re weak.
Judging from the many disappointed responses out on the web to his sloppy writing and untidy reasoning, many people thankfully disagree with him. Some make very reasonable arguments that powerfully refute Dr. Ley’s featherweight points. A more cynical person might suggest that he was purposefully being provocative because he has a book on this topic coming off the press in a few weeks.
Regardless, this therapist states several times that men are really just using sex addiction as an excuse, pointing to the obvious and overused examples of the powerful and famous including, of course, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen and Michael Douglas. He says he doesn’t want to hear these “excuses.” He just wants men to stand up and be men. The main point of his article is to label sex and pornography addiction as hogwash and nothing more than an effort to excuse bad behavior. The way he pitches his view, it’s as though all these fake addicts were just shrugging and saying, “Hey, I can’t help it! I’m addicted! Leave me alone and let me get back to my porn!”
Here’s what’s wrong with this kind of reasoning: the good doctor is setting up a straw man and then knocking it down with the weakest of arguments. Almost to a person, none of us who self-identify as sex addicts believe we’re using the disease as an excuse for our behavior. Instead, we use it as a description of our behavior and state of mind–and then we proceed to talk about the solution to the addiction!
Dr. Ley believes that once we say, “I’m a sex addict,” that’s the end of the story and we run off to behave badly without concern for the consequences. But for us, it’s not the end; it’s only the beginning. We’re not saying, “Leave us alone in our addiction.” We’re saying that we are powerless over this compulsion on our own but that we can overcome it by means of a thorough and effective program of recovery. Nevertheless, we must first come to terms with that key fact that we’re addicted!
Perhaps we’ve created a bit of a problem for ourselves by not carefully emphasizing the second half of the equation. We can’t let people get the idea that we’re paralyzed in our individual powerlessness. We need to send up fireworks and shout to the world that recovery is possible if we become willing to turn our lives over to the care and protection of a loving Heavenly Father–and then become willing to do whatever it takes to get well. If you’ve read any of the essays on this site, you’ll know that doing whatever it takes includes an effective 12 Step group and therapy with a counselor who has experience treating sexual addiction (and who actually believes it exists). For this reason, I strongly urge sex addicts in the American southwest to avoid Dr. David J. Bley. Take a look instead at Sexaholics Anonymous (12 Step) and LifeSTAR (counseling). Admit addiction and then get well.
Recovery is possible if we all get real about it.