Without recovery, this is what the inside of an LDS sex and pornography addict’s head looks like.

Shortly after finding Sexaholics Anonymous and realizing that I was an LDS man with a serious sex and pornography addiction, I got my first sponsor. He was Catholic, he was devout, he was sober and he was a great guy. A little on the high strung side, but definitely a great guy.

In contrast, I was someone who had been fooling himself, his wife and others for decades about the extent of my pornography consumption and sexual acting out. I didn’t have an addiction, I told myself. I just have a “little problem” that I’ll fix on my own–somehow. One of the first things I learned is Sexaholics Anonymous, however, was that I was powerless over pornography, sexual acting out, lust, sexual fantasy, connection obsessions and pretty much anything else lust-related. I was a Mormon and I was a mess.

During one of our first discussions about my addiction and the solution to it, I told my sponsor how I was in the habit of praying whenever I was tempted to lust after a woman. I explained with the self-righteous satisfaction of a truly hypocritical Latter-day Saint that when an attractive woman was nearby or in a magazine or on the computer screen, I would pray and ask Heavenly Father to give me strength to withstand the temptation to look at her.

He listened patiently, wrinkled his nose and shook his head. Then he proceeded to engage me in the single most important conversation I have ever had about my sex and pornography addiction. He changed the course of my life.

Him: So you pray for yourself, huh?

Me: Yep. Like I said, I ask for strength to withstand temptation.

Him: So how’s that working out for you?

Me: Umm. Well, I guess not so good.

Him: Are you ready to go a different direction?

Me: Yeah, I suppose I am.

Him: Great. Here’s what I want you to do: The next time you feel that impulse to lust after a woman, I want you to forget about yourself and pray for her instead.

Me: Pray for her? Well, why would I do that? I’m the one who’s being tempted, aren’t I?

Him (smiling): Well, maybe you are. But you’re also an addict whose addiction is on the inside. When you pray and ask God for more strength, you’re just praying for more strength to fight with yourself. But more importantly, you’re an addict and that means you’re self-absorbed. It’s all about you all the time. When there’s a problem, all you do as an addict is think about yourself and what you need. Why don’t you pray for her instead?

Me: OK. I can do that I guess. So I’ll pray for her. But what will I be praying about?

Him: Well, do you believe that God answers prayers?

Me: Of course.

Him: Well, then pray that she can be happy. Pray that she’ll have everything she needs in her life today. Pray that she’ll be protected from the men who lust after her like you do. Pray that she can find a stronger relationship with God. Forget about yourself and pray for her.

Me: Wow. That never, ever occurred to me before! Pray for her, huh? Well, then what about me and my temptations?

Him: This is one of the miracles of recovery and finding a better relationship with God. Right now you’re a lust addict. That means that you take the women around you and treat them either physically or in your mind as objects. You objectify them. They cease to be daughters of God and are instead objects to feed your compulsion for lust. When you get outside yourself and pray for them instead of yourself, God performs a miracle inside your head. He takes that woman who is an object to you and transforms her back into a daughter of God! You cannot lust after and objectify a woman if you’re praying for her.

Me: Wait, say that last part again! I need to write this down!

Him: You cannot lust after and objectify a woman if you’re praying for her.

Like I said, that conversation transformed me. It saved me from myself. I realized that as a narcissistic addict, it really was all about me all the time. Somehow, over the course of growing up and learning the Gospel, I had gotten it in my head that I needed to pray for me–always me! I thought I needed to tell Heavenly Father what I wanted. I needed to tell Him to make me stronger so I could overcome my problems on my own. “Let me do it myself, and let me have the glory!” Sound familiar?

As I later read the White Book of Sexaholics Anonymous and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned more about this whole idea of surrendering over to Heavenly Father the compulsion to lust, admitting that I was powerless over that lust–and then praying for the objects of my lust. This included my wife.

What an incredibly profound truth it was that I learned from SA and AA: By praying for the woman, I was transforming my miserable, downward-spiraling lust experience into an event that was actually helping someone else! Instead of my battling within myself for power to overcome myself (it’s all about me), I was changing the situation into a blessing for the woman! As a result of my getting outside myself, she was actually better off–and the compulsion to lust left me because I couldn’t objectify someone for whom I was praying!

Thank God the Catholics, Sexaholics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous are there to teach this arrogant, self-righteous, self-absorbed Mormon a thing or two.

So my sponsor taught me that praying for others was going to help me overcome my addictive behavior. And it has!