Many women wonder how they can know whether their husbands are in true recovery. The answer is listening to spiritual inspiration, responding to gut feelings and keeping in mind a simple riddle from Alcoholics Anonymous:
Question: What is the difference between an addict and an addict in recovery?
Answer: You can’t get the addict to talk about his recovery and you can’t get the addict in recovery to shut up about it.
If your husband is in recovery, he will attend 12 Step meetings, he will read the literature, he will get a sponsor and work the 12 Steps with him, and eventually he will become a sponsor and help other men get sober. Most importantly, if he is in recovery he will spontaneously share with you new experiences and insights of sobriety as he progresses in recovery.
If he is not sharing spontaneously it is because he has nothing to share. If he has nothing to share, he is not in recovery. There are only two possible camps in the sex addiction recovery world. Either the addict is actively working toward recovery through a defined program and will stay sober, or he is not working toward recovery and is basically blowing in the wind. This second guy is either acting out currently or merely treading water until the compulsions once again overwhelm him and he slips up as he always has.
As you said, you can’t work your husband’s recovery for him. He has to do that. One thing you don’t have to do, however, is pretend along with him that he is getting better when he’s not. Everything you’ve described about your husband indicates that he’s not in recovery and never has been. Sure, he’s been penitent at times. Sure, he’s desired to change at times. But he’s never been in recovery. You can tell him that. Because you know he’s never been truly sober, you can tell him that all your decisions from now on will be based upon the fact that he is not in recovery.
You can also tell him that other LDS husbands are achieving complete sexual sobriety now and that you deserve nothing less than that. Now means now, not three months from now, or six months from now, or a year from now. By the way, in case he wonders, complete sexual sobriety means no pornography and no masturbation—ever. It also means progressive victory over lust. Recovery does not mean trying really hard and only slipping up once every three to six months. We have another name for that: active addiction.
You deserve nothing less than a sexually sober husband. Ask him if he is willing to do whatever it takes. He owes that much to you and he has the ability to give you what he owes—if he is willing to do whatever it takes. If your husband wants to talk about what it takes, he can e-mail me.
If you feel like talking with an LDS woman who has achieved recovery from her husband’s sexual addiction, my wife would be happy to visit with you by phone or e-mail. She will give you a strong plug for attending S-Anon meetings, a safe and inspiring place where LDS women are finding strength and healing from the trauma caused by their husband’s behavior.
As you know, she can’t guarantee that your husband will get sober and stay sober. What she will help you do, however, is learn how to recover from the bombs your husband has been dropping on you for your entire marriage and even before that.
God bless you and every woman currently suffering as you are. We’re praying for you. Don’t give up hope!
My husband has been an addict for several years. We have been married for over twenty years. I’ve just recently found out about his addiction. This disclosure has also brought out his adulterous affairs and time spent on online date sites. I do not understand this kind of addiction. It`s tearing me apart. Are there any support groups for the wives of porn addicts? Please let me know if there is help out there for me. Thanks, J
J: Sex and pornography addiction is insanity. It has made the people we love do crazy things. It has turned them into liars. Your husband can recover and never act out again if he will get into an effective 12 Step program, get a sponsor, work the steps and attend meetings. You too would definitely benefit from a support group for spouses. I attend S-Anon. It’s not LDS-affiliated, but its principles are exactly in line with the Church. It has saved my sanity and helped me figure out what I need to do to protect myself and my kids from the damage caused by my husband’s addiction. The Church also has a spouses’ support group for wives but you have to be very careful with it. In a lot of areas, it’s not well organized and doesn’t have helpful literature or sponsors to help the newer women get their bearings. Unfortunately, it can sometimes lead to great confusion, isolation and pain. That’s why I say you need to be careful and decide if your local group is effective. Most of the LDS women in our area attend S-Anon because that’s what works for us. If you want, you can contact me privately through the website and leave your phone number. I am happy to chat with you by phone and share my experience with you. We’re praying for you. Claire.
I love the hope and knowledge you have on this website. I am the wife of an addict. We have been “working” on recovery for the past two years. I go to a 12 step S-Anon group online and on phone meeting one to two times a week. I attend group therapy once a week. I see an experienced counselor one to two times a month with my husband.
I know that this is all a process, but I can’t help but feel that we are just spinning our wheels here. I must add that within the next month or so, we are moving to a different state that does have strong support groups and meetings. My husband tells me this is his main reason for moving because he knows he can’t get the help here. (Which isn’t completely true, but the help there would be more easily available).
I want to believe him, but am afraid to hope/hold out/or set up expectations around that happening when we move. I don’t want to live through that disappointment again. Promises to change with a move, then using it as an excuse of being “too busy” to put it off.
Though I have seen great changes in myself and my behaviors and thinking, I know I have a long way to go and am definitely not perfect. I feel like the relationship with my husband gets in the way of my recovery right now. So much drama!
My husband feels he has made great progress, and I have to give him credit–there have been some changes. But every time I read something about recovery, whether on your website or somewhere else, I just know that it is not my husband.
I appreciate the recent post on boundaries. It came to me at a most opportune time. I have worked and reworked my boundaries more than I can say. I’ve poured sweat, tears, and hours of my time into these boundaries. I have stressed, prayed, read and educated myself about them, thought and pondered some more and yet they just seem to cause more problems and to drive us further apart.
Every time I rework them, they become more and more complicated. I have counseled with my therapist, my sponsor, and other support group members. My husband thinks of course they are controlling and rigid and are pushing him away. To be completely honest, to a point I agree with him.
Your post on boundaries is exactly how he feels. The fact that he completely disrespects them, blames, criticizes, and refuses and tries to manipulate them makes me feel confused, however, as to the true reasons for his disagreement with them.
I want something that works for me. That’s really what they are about, right? Me! I need to feel safe.
I am tired of fighting about them. I finally came to a point the other day (the day before I read your post) where I just ripped them up. They weren’t working for me and I knew it. No matter how I want it, I don’t feel safe.
Even with my boundaries, it is only temporary security that comes along with distancing myself from my husband–usually in the form of me sleeping on the couch, which then feels somehow like the addict is getting comfy in my bed and I’m letting him get away with it.
Still it feels like I have some control over my life and this security mostly comes from a feeling of me being true to myself and not getting walked all over. It is a good feeling to stand up for myself and say that I won’t be treated that way. That I do deserve better.
I don’t think we are at the point of separation, and honestly where we are right now it really isn’t possible. But I don’t know what else to do short of living in another room. And won’t that just foster more distance and disconnection?
Besides, I don’t see how being in the same house and just sleeping in separate rooms would be effective for us. The drama would still be there. I really don’t know if I could get the space I wanted, and it would cause confusion with connection. I just don’t think that THAT is the answer.
I am discouraged. He is discouraged. He has a lot of resentment. I feel like I’m on the crazy train. Lately he really has resentment because he doesn’t “get” sex. I just can’t right now. I don’t trust him. He isn’t consistent. He will have a couple good weeks, then completely falls off for another two or three and blames me for it. He claims he hasn’t acted out, but I see things that I can’t ignore.
It is obvious by his behavior toward me that his addiciton is alive and well. I feel like he is limping along. I can’t connect with that. I have been so hurt and I feel so unsafe. I long for connection, but it seems like that comes with a price, that when we are “really connected” then we “should” have sex, and if I refuse, then he goes into victim mode, is depressed and hurt, and the resentment returns because a husband “should” be able to have sex with his wife and so on. Then I am made into the bad guy.
So this kind of “connection” actually adds to my lack of trust. Even when we have our “good” weeks and I feel like I am living with the man I love and care about, a man who is working his recovery, humble, taking responsibility, accountable, working hard, and is honest and transparent; I can’t trust it because it doesn’t last. Because I can’t get over the history. Is that something I need to work on? Is that somehow not “letting it go” or not “forgiving”?
I just feel like I need some serious time to heal and to trust again. And I really feel like that will only come with consistent steps in the right direction to rebuild that. Somehow, the blame keeps getting pointed back to me, my emotions, my fears, and my hormones. Ha ha!
Even though some of that may be a factor (I know that I am definitely not perfect in my recovery and I am really working on getting healthier) I know that I am only responsible for the way I act or react, and the same goes for him.
We keep getting stuck. He feels like he is never good enough. I feel like things aren’t getting better. I have that feeling like something is not right, and though I practice surrender and my tools, that feeling never quite goes away.
I can get peaceful, but I still feel like we are really struggling. Is this normal in recovery? Do I just need to take a big breath and give it time? Or should things progressively be getting better here?
I know most couples talk about the ups and downs. When does consistency come into play? I can’t ignore that he is still in a lot of denial (even if he doesn’t recognize it) and that he is still not actively seeking his recovery.
I really get the feeling that he is probably still active in his addiction to. Like seeing that movie he knew had a “scene,” watching to that point, then getting up to leave so he could tell me how “good” he did. I just hate that false recovery.
He thankfully did admit later that he was in denial, which he wouldn’t have done a year ago, but that is as far as he took it. He does stuff like that several times a week. Isn’t that a problem? I know that all of this is HIS recovery, but I can’t feel safe with that.
These “triggers” feel more like acting out to me. Putting himself in the situation, and then doing the false “taking care of it.” Maybe I am wrong here, but it just doesn’t feel right to me.
According to my “old” boundaries, I would be sleeping on the couch for a week from this kind of ritualizing behavior (dare I say, acting out?). He feels like I take everything to the extreme and I feel like I am pushed and pushed until I am cornered and have to. To keep from going on an on, we are struggling.
I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel respected, I feel manipulated and I feel a lack of true connection that matters to me (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) most of the time, and I can’t trust the times we do connect. My sexual connection with him is just all messed up.
I feel used to “safely” act out his addiction, even though he would disagree there. I have heard of couples observing a period of mutually agreed upon sexual abstinence and I think that it would be a healthy thing for us. I have been wanting to give him the opportunity to do this together. I just don’t think it works if it is me “enforcing” it. I might as well just move out if that is the case.
S, I completely understand and get what you’re going through, sound very similar to what I’ve experienced.
I’ve been married to a sex addict for 11 years, though the addiction started way before that. I first discovered pornography on our computer/magazine a year before we were married. We were living together and I didn’t like this presence in our home. I was torn apart inside, but thought that it was just a thing that men did and that there was nothing I could do about it, so I repressed that hurt and tried not to think about it.
A couple years later, after joining the LDS church, I learned that pornography is definitely not okay(as my inner gut feelings had told me), is a form of adultery, and that masturbation is not okay. I caught him several times over the first couple years of our marriage acting out, and I was torn to pieces each time. I was in a state of shock, depressed, and completely broken. At this point we had a young child at home, and I was alone and miserable. I told him he needed to go to the Bishop. He’s gone in to talk to several over the years, unfortunately, they don’t have a lot to help him with, just told him to repent and not do it again. That didn’t work.
Over the next eight years or so, and another child, I’ve been broken and broken over and over again. He acted out on a frequent basis. My self esteem was so bad then that he had me doing things I wasn’t comfortable with. He would complain about not having sex, but he made me physically and emotionally sick to be around. I would give in, feeling more broken afterwards. I would wake up in the middle of the night to him touching me. All I could think was that he was sick in the head. I’ve felt alone and sad and broken and alone. I can’t describe to you the pain I’ve felt. I’ve wondered what I’ve done in life to deserve this, why this pain is allowed. All I’ve ever wanted is a husband that loves me and is devoted to me and is a good father and role model. I want happiness.
Two years ago, the bishop sent him to a PASG meeting. He went to them and made a lot of progress and started making huge changes. However, he doesn’t have a support person, the group is new. A few months later I was directed to the support group for spouses that the church does. I was the only one going, so not as beneficial as I’d hoped. I did learn to make boundaries. I initiated a period of several months of abstinence, because I felt I was feeding his addiction by being intimate with him.
He respected my boundaries and things have been much better, but I just found out yet again that he lied to me about being sober for the past year and a half. Now I’m broken yet again. I’m sad and angry and done. I point blank asked him and he deflected and lied to me, straight to my face. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so done with the ridiculousness of it all. This is not a happy marriage and I’m done. So, for now, he’s sleeping in a different room and we have no marital relationship, he’s not allowed to even touch me. I told him I’ll be friendly for the kids sakes, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I see no hope for the future of our marriage, just a life of lies and deception and hurt. Divorce will hurt too, it’s a no win.
I am a newly wed. My husband is amazing and was totally honest and up front with me from the beginning. I thought I could handle it and things were going great. He was getting better. He even took me to meetings with him. We met and got engaged at [one of the BYUs], and then moved to [another state].
Since then things have gotten harder. We just moved back to school to finish our degrees and to get help. We are going to start counseling in the Fall with the same counselor he went to before.
We are trying but I feel so hurt and scared. He tells me his struggles and it relieves him and breaks my heart. I am really struggling with sex. I don’t trust him, and there have been many times where I feel like we are having sex for him and not for us. Like I am just glorified masturbation.
Then it’s like a Catch-22 because I feel like my not having sex with him makes it harder for him to stay good. I am 20 and most of my friends are not married and I feel so isolated. Who can you really talk to about your husbands pornography problem?
I love my husband so much and after reading a few other posts, I see how lucky I am that it was never a secret, and that he knows what a serious problem it is and wants help. I am just scared that I am not helping as much as I should or could be.
I want us to work on this now when it is just us and try to get it better controlled. I am just scared that it is never going to end, that I am going to be scared the rest of my life, always wondering what is going on if he spends too much time in the bathroom, or if I leave him home alone.
But telling your husband you don’t trust him does not help him either. Do you have any advice? How can I work on my fears and trusting him more, and being more open to sex. We have only been married 4 months this should be the best times of our lives. Now we are stressed, both feeling so sorry for hurting the other.
My husband told me 5 years into our marriage that he was participating in ‘adult entertainment’. I was surprised, scared and hurt. A very different time. Our Bishop was unable to help. My husband told me then that IF I trusted him he would discontinue his behavior BUT if I did not trust him then he had no reason to stop. Hmmm. I was young. I was convinced my trust in him would make the difference. 20 years later I learned that I was wrong. Seek counsel and get advice from those experienced in sex addiction.
I’m sorry for the misery that your husband put you through. We understand a lot more about addiction now than we ever did. One of the goals of this website is to get truth and reality in front of the eyes of the spouses of sex and porn addicts. As they learn truth and reality, they become able to see through the smokescreen that addicts send up.
I’m sure you understand now that if your husband tried to pin his recovery in any way on something you must or must not do (i.e., “You have to trust me again or I won’t be able to stop.”), he wasn’t serious about recovery or didn’t understand the serious nature of his addiction. Today, you’d undoubtedly look him straight in the eye and tell him to get real. He is responsible for his recovery. Nothing a wife does or does not do is any excuse for a man not being able to find recovery from his sex and pornography addiction.
Blaming others or dumping responsibility on them is another hallmark of addiction.
Thank you for this website. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I found out about my husband’s pornography addiction 5 years ago. I was naive. He was repentant(ish). I thought all was solved and mostly tried to forget about it! Six weeks ago I discovered that he was in the midst of pornography all over again (I’m ALWAYS the one to discover it), even while serving in a prominent church leadership calling. He “thinks” he stayed away from pornography for “maybe” a year, which (IF true – big IF, means that he was still acting out for the last 4 months and the past 6+ months have been ‘really bad’). Later I asked if he had masturbated during that “maybe year or so” and he admitted he “probably” had. That is not sobriety or recovery. Right now he is repentant again…working it through with a loving, but inexperienced bishop. My husband insists, “It wasn’t as bad as LAST time,” but I refuse to believe him and those words only make me hear the addiction talking.
It is all so different this time around for me. I’ve learned so much and knowledge is power. Thank you for your articles. They are spot on. Even the ones that have been difficult for me to read have prepared me for various things my husband has later admitted to and made that part less painful. I feel like some of your articles have been an answer to prayer. This addiction is bigger than I ever realized, but I love that there is so much hope as well.
He LOVED your lower lights article, which is the only thing I have ever been able to share with him and only because I was listening to the song on youtube and he mentioned it was his favorite hymn and then let me read your post. He is just like the person you described in this letter here. He thinks he has it beat…he swears he went from “really bad” to no temptation and the last 6 weeks he has been “clean.” He says he’ll do whatever it takes, but refuses to learn anything about pornography addiction because he already knows everything he needs to. He refuses to learn about pornography addiction’s affect on the wife because he says he learns that from me. Thank you for your article here. It just confirms everything I am thinking and feeling. I’m working through my own recovery right now and I’m grateful. It’s a bumpy, painful road, but I’m in so much better of a place this time around. Thank you for sharing your story!
As an ex-addict, I’m sure you understand my husband who refuses to do anything, but go straight to the Master Healer himself (because the 12 steps are not for “him” just like you say) – because prayer and scripture study are all he needs! Any tips on getting my husband to wake up?! I WISH I could force him to read your website and internalize it, but obviously that won’t work.
I know I need to just work on my own recovery, but it’s hard to be married to someone and try to have a relationship in the present when there are so many uncertainties.
M.M did you every answer your question about ‘tips to get him to wake up?’ It would be interesting to hear. I will let you know if I find out because I am in a similar situation. Thanks for sharing your experience.
What do you mean with “It also means progressive victory over lust.”? What does progressive means in this case? Are you saying that even if the recovery is real my husband will still be tempted by other women for the rest of his life, even if he doesn’t act out?
No, that’s not really what I’m saying at all. In fact, it’s the opposite. Men and women who are addicted to lust have lost the ability to say no to lust. When the sexual image pops up on the computer screen, for exemple, they can’t look away. They go to pieces and start binging. When the attractive woman walks by, the lust-addicted man can’t help but lear and fantasize.
As part of the recovery from sex and pornography addiction, however, addicts gradually re-acquire the ability to “look away” both with their eyes and their minds. In order to stay in recovery, they absolutely eliminate everything lust-related that they possibly can from their lives. They work an effective recovery program and with time arrive at a point where the incidental exposures to lust in their lives are harmless or very nearly harmless. And they have a mechanism for surrendering the lust and letting it go before it eats them alive as it had in the past.
What I’m saying is that sex and pornography addicts in recovery are very likely some of the most honest, pure, upstanding, exemplary spiritual giants in the Church. I would be proud to associate with them at any time and in any place. Their spouses have confidence in them. These men and women are men and women of God–with no asterisk next to their names.
Thank you for your answer. It really helped me. I understand what you saying now. It was confusing to me how you said no porn, no masturbation and progressive victory over lust. It made me think that you never really overcame lust. My husband is going through the repentance and the recovery process again (it wasn’t real the last times) but this time he is saying that it is the real deal. He is going to meetings, to a therapist and talking to the bishop and doing his dailies and being more open with me. I can see some differences from the other times and I really want to believe him and help him but I’m really tired and afraid that I have reached my limit and this is the end of the road for me because I have zero tolerance for relapses. I read a lot on your site it gave me hope and the desire to find help for myself and try to focus on my own healing.
Thank you for this web site. It is a blessing for me to understand how recovery works from an LDS perspective. I learned that my husband had a “problem” 5 years ago. At the time, he blamed me for his actions. I accepted this blame because I did not understand what sex addiction was and how sick my husband is. The next several years I experienced a range of emotions: depression, rage, anger. I could not understand why I could not just feel normal. Sadly, my three young children witness all of these “up and downs.” Over a year ago, I found salifeline and started to become educated about sex addiction. I found a counselor who specializes in sex addiction. Fortunately, this woman practices in the same town where I live. I live in an area of the country where there a few LDS members and this woman is the only therapist who specialized in sex addiction in the state; I felt blessed to have this resource. I set my boundaries with my husband and told him I would not leave him because of his addiction but he did not get help then I would have to leave him. Needless to say, he has not embraced recovery. He has stopped going to 12 step meetings, does not have a sponsor and does not meet regularly with his therapist. He says he is in “recovery” but by his actions, I know this is not true. He has made excuses and deflected blame. He just recently met with our Bishop for the first time since going to see a therapist. He continues to be mean and rude. He is getting all of the “stuff” together so he can file for a divorce. The Bishop called and wants to meet with me; I am getting ready for the “bomb” to drop. I asked him if there is anything more he needs to tell me (he gave me his “confession” last summer.) He tells me I know everything, but judging from his behavior and his lack of humility I think otherwise. Reading this web site has helped me understand that my husband is in the type 1 or 2 category of addiction, he has not hit rock bottom. I do not know what rock bottom is for him. But, for me, I have been learning about interpersonal relational trauma that help explains my reactions. In addition, I do feel more grounded and more at peace. I can see my husband is in a panic mode because I really do not care if he chooses to file for a divorce. (I personally think it is a big smoke screen, he wants to be in control when he is so clearly not in control.) I know I will be o.k.
Thank you to everyone who comments on this site. I have appreciated your honesty and the courage to share your experiences. As I mentioned, I live in an area that has few LDS members. Having a forum to discuss and learn from our perspective has given me courage and strength.
Years ago we moved to a place that lacks real support for this addiction. There is now a general addict lds group and spouse group. The spouse group was nice for spiritual thoughts but unhelpful otherwise especially when anonymity was not respected by one of the few attendees. The fallout has been rumors, loss of business clients and the loss of ‘friends’. My h is seeing a c but says he’s tired of being the ‘bad guy’ and they tell me that even if he struggled the rest of his life he could return to HF because he’s trying. I believe that could be true, but feel like my pain is minimized.
Recently he has come to me in an interestingly broken yet perhaps twisted thinking. He’s not ok with the lack of sx in our current situation- which was his choice for the last couple of years because I have difficulty with a sx act that he feels is the only way he truly feels loved. I have been counseled to ‘overcome’ my problem in this area and meet his needs yet I feel objectified and can not engage without anxiety meds and I feel pretty worthless afterwards. Now he says he can’t even hug me because it makes him want to have sx with me which hurts his recovery since he doesn’t want sx without it being this act too. What he wants isn’t ‘bad’ but it’s upsetting to me especially how I feel he treats me.
He says it’s not about punishing me but about his survival. He has also shared with me and others he is considering divorce as he can not live this way- not having his needs met through his desired sx.
I’ve been really struggling with what I should do and how I am feeling. Today at church I felt a sweet assurance that I wasn’t wrong for feeling this way and that his treatment of me wasnt loving or respectful.
I found this site and I feel encouraged that there are people out there that would believe me and validate the real pain and struggles I’m experiencing.
What you say about possible real recovery is not what I’m hearing in our face to face support and leadership. I’m still unsure my next step but feel like its ok to say no this is not ok with me as I don’t feel loved. My h doesn’t think lust is bad in a marriage but I feel icky thinking I’m just a tool, a more acceptable outlet for him.
Macey: Thanks for reading and sharing a bit of your story. I’m sorry for the pain you’ve experienced. I will say, however, that your thinking appears clear and sound. You recognize lust in your marriage, the lust hurts you (because that’s what lust does), your husband and others around you just want you to get used to the lust, but you are tired of the lust and want the pain to stop. I think you’re right on track. No rule or law anywhere says you are required to submit yourself to the lust of another person, not even your husband. If he is addicted to lust, you are not obligated to be his drug.
It appears that too few marriage counselors, local priesthood leaders and practically no participants in the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program understand that LUST is the big problem that’s killing LDS marriages, not porn. Too many of us seem to have this idea that if we just keep from looking at porn, that’s going to solve all our problems and that’s all we need to do. We don’t see that porn is just one of the many ways that we take lust into our brains through our eyeballs.
Married LDS men who are addicted to lust and give up porn with no real understanding of their lust addiction merely refocus their lust on their wives. Even though they may love their wives, they nevertheless objectify them, essentially insisting on treating them like a piece of meat to satisfy their lust obsession. Mormon women who object to this painful treatment at the hands of their husbands are often made to feel like there is something wrong with them (the wives).
From the way you describe your situation, it certainly sounds like your husband is a lust addict, he doesn’t recognize lust, he confuses intimacy with lust-driven sex, and wants you to feed his lust. He wants you to provide his drug and he feels and acts like a victim because you don’t want to be his drug.
I believe there is a solution to lust addiction. Through Sexaholics Anonymous, I have experienced recovery and I have met a lot of other men and women who like me have found a release from the mental obsession with lust that is caused by their addiction. We used to be like your husband, but now we enjoy lust-free intimacy with our spouses. We aren’t settling for anything less than the standard Jesus Christ set when he spoke of lust in the heart. We are eliminating lust completely and it is saving our lives, marriages and sanity. We are happy and free.
Because there is a clear solution to addiction, I believe that people who refuse to address the roots of their addiction and die in their sins never having been able to forsake them, are going to be very uncomfortable after this life when they have to explain to God and the Savior why they (the addicts) weren’t willing to do their parts in the repentance process.
People who try to excuse the lust-driven behavior of the addict have simply never seen true recovery. If they had, they would be horrified by the lust-drunken insanity we have come to accept and embrace even among the Mormons. If more Latter-day Saints would get involved in Sexaholics Anonymous and S-Anon and then bring what they learn about recovery from lust addiction back into the Church’s recovery programs, it would be a completely different story. Those LDS men and women with a sex, porn and lust addiction would get sober and stay sober. Their spouses would find recovery from the damage of the addicts’ lust-driven behavior and would demand lust-free intimacy in the marriage. And they’d get it–because lust-free intimacy is possible with true recovery.
It ain’t rocket science, but it requires LDS addicts to give up ALL of their drug LUST in ALL its forms, including lust-driven objectification of and lust-drunk sex with their spouses. Sadly, most LDS addicts aren’t willing to give up ALL of their drug. They just want to stop looking at porn and think that will be sufficient.
I encourage you to read Rhyll Croshaw’s new book, get all the S-Anon literature and read it, and attend as many S-Anon meetings as you can. They have phone meetings if there are no nearby face-to-face meetings.
Again, I’m with you 100%! You are a daughter of God. Nowhere did He ever say that you had to subject yourself to being the object of your husband’s craving for his drug LUST. I’m convinced that Heavenly Father wants so much more than that for you. It sounds to me like the Holy Ghost is speaking that same message to your heart. I hope you’ll continue to listen and stick to your guns.
Encourage your husband to educate himself about lust and lust addiction and to quit demanding that you be his drug. That’s not your job.
I appreciate the honesty in your blogs. My husband is an addict and blames me. I struggle dealing with feeling safe and the lying, emotional abuse, passive-aggressive behavior etc. The honesty about how serious this problem is feels validating and scary at the same time to me. I now know that “his little porn problem” is his dysfunctional way of dealing with the emotional and sexual abuse enabled and ongoing in his parents’ family. It is not my fault. He does not admit any of this it is what I have observed over sixteen years of marriage. It is scary to face that for my own and my children’s safety our temple marriage will likely end in divorce. I especially liked how you addressed in another post the confusion about receiving a confirmation from the Lord before getting into this marriage and then wondering what did I do wrong to get into this mess. Thank you
Thank you so much for this site. I found out about a year ago that my husband has a porn/sex addiction. It was a total shock to me when I discovered his behavior which along with porn consisted of him interfacing with other women from an online sex site. This is his 2nd marriage and it turns out that he did the same thing in his first marriage, but she didn’t recognize it to be a pattern of sex addiction, rather just having an affair (which to me are two separate issues).
Last summer he went through the repentance process with the bishop and did the whole LDS support group thing, but the group here isn’t specific to sex addiction. We had marriage counseling, but didn’t seem to focus much on the sex addiction.
He seemed to be doing better, but I don’t think he was ever in recovery after reading your description. And over the weekend I discovered text messages and emails once again.
I was really thinking that I would just have to get a divorce. And I’m still not sure what will happen. But I feel a lot of hope having seen this site and realizing neither of us were really using the right tools.
He says he’s willing to do whatever it takes. Of course I don’t totally trust that. But what I do feel really good about is the resources I’ve found for spouses so that I can work on me and make appropriate boundaries and decisions.
I appreciate all the great resources here. Thank you!
Thanks for reading and commenting! I hope you’ll look into the resources of S-Anon and, if you haven’t already, find other women with positive recovery experiences. There are a bunch of them in S-Anon. They are some of the happiest, strongest women I know.
Also, I think you keyed in on something important in your husband’s situation. He repented, yes. It was apparently sincere. He really meant it from the way you describe it. Unfortunately, if it’s an addiction, he can’t just forsake the sin by forsaking the sin. He has to get serious about an effective addiction recovery program. I recommend Sexaholics Anonymous.
What you’ve identified is a very vital point for Mormons that we ignore at our peril: There is a difference between repentance from sin and recovery from addiction. Just because I repent of my sinful behavior, it does not automatically follow that I have entered recovery from my addiction. The flip side, however, is also true: Finding recovery from addiction is just part of the repentance equation, not a replacement for it.
I hope you’re husband is so desperate that he becomes willing to do whatever it takes and then actually goes on to do whatever it takes. If he does, he will find recovery, he will stop acting out, he’ll become 10 times the man he ever was before and he’ll be happy. That’s what recovery promises and delivers. I say from experience, however, that if he thinks he’s going to beat this on his own, he will be the first man on the planet ever to overcome addiction solo.
I wish you all the best in your recovery.
“There is a difference between repentance from sin and recovery from addiction.” This is HUGE and something I hope my Stake President can come to understand. I just shared some resources with him last Sunday, including Dr. Hilton’s book (maybe one day he will want more info and I can point him here – baby steps right now!). Thank you so much for the truths of recovery you share. Many of the things you have said have resonated with me from the beginning and others have taken more time. And yet, the more I learn through my own recovery process, experience, and work with a therapist, the more I see that the information about addiction that didn’t resonate with me in the beginning are actually dead on. Thank you again.