What is Sexual Sobriety?

For the married sex addict, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse.

For the unmarried sex addict, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind.

And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.

–Taken from Sexaholics Anonymous (also known as the White Book, emphasis added).

Comments

What is Sexual Sobriety? — 2 Comments

  1. Andrew, I have the question asked of me all the time about what length of time constitutes sobriety, especially from my husband who is not sexually sober. I have boundaries around sobriety as well. Like an addict would he expertly tries to find “the line”. What hoop he has to jump through to get what he wants. Example, how long do I have to be “sober” before we can sleep in the same bed… Or be sexual… Etc… and he manipulates bishops and counselors to pressure me to give timeframes. I have changed my boundary to when I feel safe because of this. Which I get a lot if flack for as well because it is undefined or ambiguous.

    I am curious about sobriety and how you and your wife have defined and dealt with that within your own recovery and marriage relationship?

    • I’m with you. You’re asking the right questions. When will things go back to “normal”? When I no longer feel objectified. When I no longer feel fear about your behavior. When I feel you understand what addiction really is, what recovery really is, and when you are able to articulate a meaningful recovery experience to me. You took your own sweet time becoming entrenched in your addictive behavior, so it’s only reasonable that I should be able to take my own sweet time in recovering from the train wreck that you’ve dumped on me. Things will go back to “normal” when sex truly becomes optional for you. As long as you whine and complain like a baby about not getting sex, you’re not in recovery. Recovery is when sex becomes truly optional.
      Funny, your recovery doesn’t sound “undefined and ambiguous” at all. You sound like you’re on the right track. His recovery, on the other hand, sounds very “undefined and ambiguous.” He’ll be in recovery when he can genuinely say, “I’m OK if we never have sex again.”