Do I need to lighten up on the LDS porn addicts? I don’t think so.
Every once in a while I get an email from someone telling me to lighten up on the addicts. It seems that I sometimes appear to say mean things. I say “appear” because I think I usually am not trying to be unkind, but simply don’t realize that what I’m saying can be interpreted in different ways.
As everyone knows, the “porn problem” in the LDS Church is a confusing issue. The confusion permeates our collective dialog and makes it so we sometimes talk past each other without realizing it.
Tonight, I just want to briefly clarify what I mean when I say certain things about addicts and addiction. First, when I say that addicts lack several desirable character traits such as empathy, kindness, patience and common sense, I am being descriptive and not pejorative.
There’s a lot of confusion about how addiction interacts with the character or soul of the addict. When we say that an addict is selfish, I think there’s a big assumption that if that’s the case, this guy just needs to quit being so selfish and then he’ll quit being an addict. In other words, he’ll just get well by being well. No!
From what I understand about addiction, I know that’s not how it works. Selfishness is not necessarily the source of addiction. Rather, it is one of the indubitable symptoms, manifestations or byproducts of addiction. Addicts are self-absorbed because their addiction makes them self-absorbed. They are short-tempered because addiction makes them that way. They are emotionally unavailable to their family because addiction makes them that way. They are truth-impaired because addiction makes them that way.
Hyper-critical of others? Check. A faultfinder? Check. Unwilling to forgive others? Check. Unable to muster any moral authority in his family or alternatively, an absolutely inflexible authoritarian? Check.
Addiction turns men into monsters. I’m not being mean when I say this; I’m just telling it like it is. I’m explaining why we need to be in panic mode about sex and pornography addiction in the LDS Church. And then, I talk about the great blessings of recovery. It does little good to go on about the Problem, if I can’t offer the Solution to go with it.
When an LDS man or woman is addicted to sex and pornography, the addiction creates misery far beyond the fear, shame and humiliation that accompany the sexual acting out or porn consumption. The addiction impairs the addict physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and in many ways that have absolutely nothing to do with sex or porn.
So when I talk about the miserable character of an addict, I am not being unkind. I am just explaining why he or she will never be happy or at peace without achieving real and lasting recovery from addiction. I know I’m a broken record, but I still keep saying it: therapy and 12 Step need to accompany the inspired counsel of a well-informed priesthood leader–all these things are key to recovery.
One exciting thing about recovery is that all those defects are naturally and systematically replaced by positive character attributes as the addict advances in recovery. As I got into recovery from my sex and pornography addiction, I had the delightful but somewhat jarring experience of feeling empathy for the first time. I actually began to care about other people.
I began giving those who let me down the benefit of the doubt. I genuinely wanted to help the homeless guy without concern for whether his predicament was “his fault” or not or whether he was going to buy booze with my money or not. I just wanted to help him.
Instead of figuring out 15% tips to the penny, I just began leaving 20 or 30% tips for restaurant servers because I figured that those few dollars would mean more to them than they would to me. Instead of yelling angry words at the driver who wouldn’t let me merge on the freeway, I would find myself quietly assuming that he must be in a hurry for a good reason so I can help him by staying out of his way. These things just happened.
All this is evidence of the miracle that Heavenly Father has wrought in my life. He has changed my character in ways that I couldn’t. He has made me into someone new. I couldn’t get well simply by being well. I had to do the therapy and the 12 Step meetings and work the steps with a sponsor and make phone calls and write, write, write and make amends and uncover and surrender character defects to God. Then He did for me what I could never do for myself.
So, I’m not being mean. I’m describing what addiction without recovery is like (it’s a nightmare) and then I contrast it with the joy the comes with recovery from addiction. What a wonderful place to be. And it’s my opinion that it’s a place that will welcome and make room for each and every addict who becomes willing to do whatever it takes to get well.
Image 1 credit: By Martin Röll Martinroell (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
I don’t see the “mean” in anything you have written. People need to realize that the addicted part of the addict’s brain has its own sets of values and goals and they are always at odds and fighting with the healthy part of his brain. Once I saw my “addict” for what it truly was and myself for what I truly am, I realized there is a difference between the two. In my recovery, I am now healing in part because I work on separating and isolating the “addict.” The lustful addict is diminishing. – Thanks for you blog!!
I am so glad not all addicts or those who struggle with porn are the same, and the symptoms you describe are inherently your symptoms and should in no way be considered a one size fits all statement for all who deal with this issue.
Regarding your assertion that “not all addicts…are the same,” I’d be interested to see your source on that. Contrary to what you say, I believe that one of the most remarkable things about addiction is how similar all addicts are on the inside.
In the past few years, I’ve spoken with hundreds of recovering sex addicts, alcoholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts, shopping addicts and food addicts, as well as quite a few co-addicts. The striking thing about all of us, I think, is how we can instantly relate to each other, empathize with each, see similarities in each other and support each other.
In other words, the drug of choice is almost irrelevant! All addicts are very much alike behind the mask of their individual drugs.
You did remind me, however, of a couple huge attributes of non-recovering addicts that I omitted to mention, and they are (1) the tendency to see themselves as exceptions to the rule, as well as stronger, smarter, and more spiritual than “regular people;” and (2) the tendency to engage in incredibly complex hairsplitting in an effort to convince themselves and others that “the rules and reality of addiction” don’t apply to them (they just have a “little problem”).
You’ve inspired me to finish another post I’m working on: “Porn Addiction, Mormons and the Fine Art of Hairsplitting.” I hope you’ll check back and read it when I post in the next few days.
Great post.
I think it helps to understand the impact of addiction on the brain and how it impairs the part of the brain that helps with things like decision-making, empathy, impulse control, etc. I also see it as adding layers that need to be peeled off before the real person can unfold and be found (or found again).
It’s so great to hear your specific experiences with this as well, what recovery has looked and felt like, both in terms of behaviors and thought patterns.
One last thought — rather than thinking in terms of panic, I like to think in terms of determination to be educated and open and consistent about talking about addiction. It can be scary to think about until you come to understand it as something predictable — and, as you point out so well, something that CAN be recovered from.
But like Don Hilton says in his book, and as you explore in your essays (which, by the way, are really helping a lot of women who are married to addicts, so thank you!), there is a difference between repentance (the avoidance of behaviors that could keep someone out of the temple or keep them from being able to partake of the sacrament) and recovery (the progressive victory over lust and real, lasting change of heart and mind that comes through addressing the addiction and learning how to access the Savior’s power through proven tools and processes and principles of recovery).
Thanks for all you do.
Thanks. BTW, when I talk about panic, I am, of course, just engaging in hyperbole, a rhetorical device to which I’ve resorted a zillion times too many. My real concern is that we as individuals and as a church sense the urgency of the Problem and the proximity of the Solution. Recovery from addiction and co-addiction begins almost instantaneously once individuals see and understand addiction for what it is and grasp what is really needed for recovery.
“Recovery from addiction and co-addiction begins almost instantaneously once individuals see and understand addiction for what it is and grasp what is really needed for recovery.”
Yup. It’s so powerful, and why I’m committed to continuing to do what I can to get info out there.
I love how you capture that — recovery can begin almost instantaneously when correct info is understood.
It’s like the Pres. Packer saying — “true doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior quicker than talking about behavior will change behavior.”
True information about addiction can do the same thing. Truth is power! Knowledge is power!
You have opened up such an important dialogue. Thank you. Minimising the consequential characteristics and behavior of one engaged in sex addiction would do nothing to help those who are sincerely seeking recovery. Denial is a common trap for both addicts and those who love them. Please continue to keep your comments real. I interpet your direct sometimes bold statements as extremely compassionate. Sugar coating these issues would do nothing but keep addicts, who are prone toward distorted self serving justifications, stuck. I think being straightforward is one of the kindest things you are doing for those deep in the despair of addiction. Keep up the great work. The truth can and will set us all free! Thank you.
I never saw your posts as mean but more as a list of “Here is what you are likely to see when dealing with addiction.” It helps it feel more normal and predictable and okay to talk about.
Andrew, your words ring so true. Your ability to articulate the effects of pornography/lust addiction in such a straight forward, but eloquent manner is fantastic! I love reading your website because I can relate so well. I am a wife. I’ve seen and experienced the monster that addiction turns a man into, but I’ve also seen the beautiful recovery as well. You are RIGHT! Education is the answer, I will pass this website on whenever I can. Thank you, thank you, thank you.