A Letter to LDS Wives About Pornography Addiction

Thorvaldsen_Christus

What every LDS woman needs to know about sex and pornography addiction.

DEAR WIVES:

This letter will change your life. That’s a hefty promise, I know, but it will happen. Some of what I tell you will hurt. Some will challenge what you’ve thought for years and will require you to adjust your view of the world, your family, your marriage and your faith—but not in a bad way. At the end, you will feel that there is some hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am writing to you with my wife of over twenty years by my side. She and I have spent hours talking about the things you’re reading right now. We’ve prayed together. We’ve shed tears together. We’ve made discoveries together that surprised us. We’ve gone to marriage counseling together and found that our therapist strongly embraces what we have experienced in our recovery.

Let’s get straight to the point. This is about your husband and what has been termed the “pornography habit.” Some of you have been married nearly half a century; some only a few months. Some have children in the marriage while others don’t. Some of you work outside the home; some are homemakers. Some of you have husbands who travel a lot for work, or who don’t travel at all, or who are unemployed. But you all have some things in common: you love your husband; you know he has a problem with pornography; and this problem hurts you more than anything you’ve ever experienced in your life. It cuts to the very center of what it means to be a woman, a friend, a wife and a mother. Sometimes you cry yourself to sleep because of it.

You feel isolated. You can’t really talk to friends about this issue. It’s embarrassing. You can’t talk to your mother or sisters about it for the same reason. Maybe you’ve tried to discuss things with your bishop or stake president, but you just don’t feel comfortable talking to another man about your husband’s problem and how it affects the most intimate aspects of your marriage. You may have gone to couples therapy with him. If he refused, you may have gone to therapy alone.

Through all of this, one word crowds out nearly everything else: Why? Why me? Why him? Why us? If he really loves me, why does he do this? If he loves the children and cares about our family, why does he continue to search this stuff out? If he knows that it’s wrong, why doesn’t he just stop? If he really cares about his temple covenants and our sealing together, why does he bend and break those covenants? Didn’t I feel the confirming warmth of truth years ago (or recently) when I made the decision to marry him? Why, then, haven’t things turned out the way I expected? Why has he promised me again and again and again that he will stop, and yet he is back at it months, or weeks or merely days later? Why does he make and then break these same promises to the bishop? If he truly believes in a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who atoned for his sins and mine, why is this happening? Why don’t I have my “happily ever after”?

The simple truth is that your husband has an addiction.1 His brain is broken and he has lost the ability to make decisions between right and wrong when it comes to matters of sex. He doesn’t stop because he can’t. You’ve been worried because you’ve heard for years that viewing pornography can lead to addiction and can drive the addict to much more serious sins. I want to be clear about this: If your husband is repeatedly looking at pornography, he is already addicted.

[1Some people seem fixated on making a distinction between a pornography addiction and the other, “more serious,” “full-blown” sex addiction. The viewing of pornography is merely one of the conduits by which the addict acts out on his sex addiction. It is his “drug of choice.” In this writing I make no distinction between pornography addiction and sex addiction because I see no meaningful difference.]

[Is this stuff useful and interesting to you? Check out Andrew’s Blog by clicking here.]


Comments

A Letter to LDS Wives About Pornography Addiction — 84 Comments

  1. I have hope, but when he doesn’t think there is a problem. That is where I draw the line and say I am through. Maybe if and when he sees the light and gets help, and shows interest in me, I may give him a chance. But he will have some serious reparations and convincing to do.

  2. Thank you everyone for sharing! I found out two months ago that my husband had slept with about 70 prostitutes over the past 6 years. They were mostly in Provo and SLC (we live in Utah). In addition, he was viewing porn and masturbating during our 23 year marriage. I knew he had a problem during our first year or two but I thought he was over it. It was very hard to take considering I never denied him sex except when I’d just had a baby. I am a runner and I’ve been told that I’m very beautiful–so looks don’t matter. If your husband has a sex addiction he’ll look elsewhere to satisfy his cravings. Anyhow, he was excommunicated last month and we are separated. Being separated has been a blessing and we are doing well. I think he has a mental illness (lots of bipolar on his Mom’s and Dad’s sides) so it isn’t just porn. When I pray, Heavenly Father tells me to be patient. I feel he knows we will divorce but he wants me to wait. I am strong because I have plans for myself. I lost myself for years but I am now doing things for myself and I’m so much happier. Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. Pray to know what you should do. He loves us!

    • How did you find out he was sleeping with prostitiutes? I’ve been dealing with my husbands porn addiction for 10 years and I’m kinda at my last straw, but I never thought that he might have been with prostitutes.

  3. My husband has had a pornography addiction for 10 years now. He does good for a while then he’s back at it. I feel betrayed every time. We are seeing a family counselor and it does make me feel better until he messes up a week later. All the the things he tells me in counseling is reassuring then he messes up. I don’t understand why he wants to hurt me again and again. I love him and we have Four children together, but some days I’m so done with it. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. So I feel alone in this mess!

    • Please read this site, you will realize you are far from alone in this. Go to sanon meetings to find other women…and men! in just your circumstances. My husband is 74 years old, and just starting recovery in an LDS facility…there are so many of us out here! YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

  4. I applaud the author of this article. So much self-reflection. . Unfortunately, not all Sex Addicts scrounge up the will to honestly reflect on their choices and habits. But, let’s honor the ones who do. Congrats to this man, & his wife. I do wonder how big of a part she played in this self-awareness.

  5. Andrew,

    I have a few questions for you concerning what are the best programs for the help you say is so necessary for recovery.

    This article and most of the comments were written several years ago. I know from my father (a Stake President) and from recently living in a huge \LDS community that the Church’s PARP program has changed since them. Many think that it is THE way to go, including my father, my LDS counselors and Bishops at BYU. What is your opinion on how the Church’s recovery program has changed over the last few years? Would you still suggest SA over any other program? What is the difference in their approaches?

    Nearly a year I ago, I discovered evidence of my husband’s addiction after only a few month of being married and continued denial. He has what he called ‘relapses’, but overall I feel that he is not making a significant enough change – they are too close together and he doesn’t seem very motivated, though he has been (at my request) attending the Church’s meetings in person or over phone. It’s obviously great for everyone in these group to have the same Gospel knowledge and Spirit that you can draw on in the meetings. But I’m wondering what the possible flaws are in the setup of their program (though I know that any measure the Church is taking to aid and improve concerning this addiction is fantastic).

    Thanks so much for all of your work! This letter/site was very helpful to me — and I’ve read A LOT of literature from the church and anti-porn communities.

    Sierra

    • Hi Sierra, I saw you comment and question about LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery. I was a missionary for the recovery program for 5 years. Of course I served in the recovery program for women; also the support group for wives. I can only say that when I was part of that program I felt it was powerful in leading attendees to increased faith, and understanding of the power of a personal and meaningful relationship with our Savior, with increased desire to draw upon His power in repentance. Many struggling in addiction expressed the value of the program in their efforts of recovery. The support group for wives was a place where the pain was often palpable. I don’t believe that addicts ever really comprehend how devastating their addictions are on the ones who love them. I too would be very interested to know in what ways the church program has changed. May be all receive God’s council and comfort, and the enabling power of His atoning sacrifice.

  6. I met a man at college about a year and a half ago. He had just returned from serving an LDS mission. He was sober for 3 years in preparation and throughout his mission. When he returned the addiction was still a temptation and he gave into it once again. We became very close very soon in the relationship because he told me about his addiction a few weeks after we met. He told me before we started dating which is something I will always be grateful for. We have always been able to be open with each other. I have found him cheating on me multiple times. I’m sure many of you can relate to the feelings of despair, betrayal, and complete disappoint I was feeling at the time. I have forgiven him but It will always be at the back of my mind. At the time of the incidents he wasn’t getting the help for his addiction that he needed. He was always so worried that his addiction would change me and tried breaking up with me for this reason. He was tired of hurting me but he couldn’t stop. Fast forward one year, He is getting the help he needs now and I have seen major improvements in him. We have a long distance relationship right now because of work. I look at this distance as a good thing because it is giving me a couple months to recover from a year of being on a complete emotional roller coaster. However, because I am not able to be with him it is so hard to build trust. I have to rely solely on what he tells me. I want to be able to trust him but I have more reasons not to. I guess I’m looking for advice from people from similar experiences if i should continue the relationship if he continues to progress and I continue to see improvements in him. He is more serious about his recovery right now than he ever has before. I truly believe he is in recovery because he wants to be and he wants to live a normal, functional life and have a family. We have already agreed that we will not get engaged until he is on a good path and has been for quite some time. I realize it would be easier to end the relationship right now and be dismissed from his addiction, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay with him and start a family together. I love this man and I am willing to work through this with him because I can see him being my husband and father to our kids. Is it even possible to have a normal life with a recovering addict?

  7. If you really, really love him like you THINK you do, then in all honesty (married 25 yrs to recovering addict) you will get married and accept he is doing his best when he is and accept he is NOT doing so great when he falters. Don’t continue or get married with A CONDITIONAL CLAUSE. It is really simple abd everyone tries to make it real complicate. Bottom line is you can handle it with grace or you can’t. Ssme as being married to a diabetic who binges on cake and ice cream KNOWING full well it could kill them. Hey, he’s only human. He gave you his reality and his honesty up front. You don’t have a battle…he does…you either enter the battlefied and endure the injuries and enjoy all the GOOD in the soul of this man and know he loves you but is dealing with a forever flaw, or pack up your toys and go home. It is not easy if you personalize it and you will be the one shut out of his emotional door. All depends what you THINK love is vs. what love really is…sacrificial, unconditional acceptance, understanding, grace and forgiveness when they are doing their best. Trust me, he isn’t going to be on his A game all the time and when he’s bringing his best D game, are you going to retreat, repel, or reach out and say, let me help you get back to your A game step by step. That’s love honey. Good news is you are going in (if you do) with eyes wide open…it is a life long journey…he may have a good streak for a year, two or only 2 days. Love the flaw, his soul, or leave it now. Save both your heartaches in the future if you can’t walk in the shoes i just showed you. May the Holy Spirit guide you in the knowledge of your soul and your human expectations and limitations.

    http://video.pbs.org/video/2365517958/nal love of a prs

    • Holly,
      You’ll never know how much piece and comfort those words bring to me. At times I feel like people are trying to get me to choose the easier path and find somebody who doesn’t suffer from an addiction. It’s so refreshing to read your comment and it really restores hope back in me that they can recover. I’m glad I can talk about this with people who know exactly what I’m talking about and don’t think any differently of me. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my comment!

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