A Letter to LDS Wives About Pornography Addiction

What every LDS woman needs to know about sex and pornography addiction.

DEAR WIVES:

This letter will change your life. That’s a hefty promise, I know, but it will happen. Some of what I tell you will hurt. Some will challenge what you’ve thought for years and will require you to adjust your view of the world, your family, your marriage and your faith—but not in a bad way. At the end, you will feel that there is some hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am writing to you with my wife of over twenty years by my side. She and I have spent hours talking about the things you’re reading right now. We’ve prayed together. We’ve shed tears together. We’ve made discoveries together that surprised us. We’ve gone to marriage counseling together and found that our therapist strongly embraces what we have experienced in our recovery.

Let’s get straight to the point. This is about your husband and what has been termed the “pornography habit.” Some of you have been married nearly half a century; some only a few months. Some have children in the marriage while others don’t. Some of you work outside the home; some are homemakers. Some of you have husbands who travel a lot for work, or who don’t travel at all, or who are unemployed. But you all have some things in common: you love your husband; you know he has a problem with pornography; and this problem hurts you more than anything you’ve ever experienced in your life. It cuts to the very center of what it means to be a woman, a friend, a wife and a mother. Sometimes you cry yourself to sleep because of it.

You feel isolated. You can’t really talk to friends about this issue. It’s embarrassing. You can’t talk to your mother or sisters about it for the same reason. Maybe you’ve tried to discuss things with your bishop or stake president, but you just don’t feel comfortable talking to another man about your husband’s problem and how it affects the most intimate aspects of your marriage. You may have gone to couples therapy with him. If he refused, you may have gone to therapy alone.

Through all of this, one word crowds out nearly everything else: Why? Why me? Why him? Why us? If he really loves me, why does he do this? If he loves the children and cares about our family, why does he continue to search this stuff out? If he knows that it’s wrong, why doesn’t he just stop? If he really cares about his temple covenants and our sealing together, why does he bend and break those covenants? Didn’t I feel the confirming warmth of truth years ago (or recently) when I made the decision to marry him? Why, then, haven’t things turned out the way I expected? Why has he promised me again and again and again that he will stop, and yet he is back at it months, or weeks or merely days later? Why does he make and then break these same promises to the bishop? If he truly believes in a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who atoned for his sins and mine, why is this happening? Why don’t I have my “happily ever after”?

The simple truth is that your husband has an addiction.1 His brain is broken and he has lost the ability to make decisions between right and wrong when it comes to matters of sex. He doesn’t stop because he can’t. You’ve been worried because you’ve heard for years that viewing pornography can lead to addiction and can drive the addict to much more serious sins. I want to be clear about this: If your husband is repeatedly looking at pornography, he is already addicted.

[1Some people seem fixated on making a distinction between a pornography addiction and the other, “more serious,” “full-blown” sex addiction. The viewing of pornography is merely one of the conduits by which the addict acts out on his sex addiction. It is his “drug of choice.” In this writing I make no distinction between pornography addiction and sex addiction because I see no meaningful difference.]

[Is this stuff useful and interesting to you? Check out Andrew’s Blog by clicking here.]


Comments

A Letter to LDS Wives About Pornography Addiction — 104 Comments

  1. Andrew, I’me grateful to you for your insights into this addiction, and how it affects wives of those addicted. Obviously your wife has been open and honest with you about how much your addiction has wounded her. That wound is a long time healing, and her support and love say a lot about the calibre of woman you married.

    My divorce from a sex addict was finalized just two weeks ago. I was married to him for seventeen years, knowing full well about his addictions since about the third year of marriage. I want through the entire cycle of emotions each time he acted out, and each time when the dust settled we managed to make a new commitment to each other to try harder and be better. I learned to live shaken, lonely, and struggling with my own self-confidence and ability to trust. Only recently has he begun to attend the Church’s 12-step program, and going to my parallel program i began to finally understand that it was not my fault. If it hadn’t been for the fact that often for a sex addict pornography is no longer enough to satisfy the cravings, we would probably still be married.

    When i found out that he had begun to focus his lust on our twelve year old daughter, I knew that I had to take our eight children and go. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t “gone all the way” with her. At the moment I found out about this acceleration, I knew I had to leave. It came with such a clarity of thought that it was as if God had said to me, ‘You have struggled along beside him long enough. I love him, but I also love your daughter and you. It’s time to go.” What a tragedy this addiction is! What a tragedy that it changes a man’s mind so that something as sick as incest would even be a passing thought, let alone become part of the horror that the addict’s family has to navegate! In my situation, I still hope the best for him. And I can still support him in his efforts to recover; but now it will be done from a distance. thank goodness for the 12-step and s-anon and sexaholics anonymous programs! My hope is that he will continue to attend, and also get whatever therapy, etc that he needs for his situation.

    My former husband told me that this evening you were scheduled to talk at a fireside that he was planning to attend. He’s quite impressed with you and your message. I’m grateful there are people like you to help him with this recovery program — especially when we as wives must take our children and graciously bow out.

  2. Can you help me with something? My husband has just disclosed his pornography addiction (after some lies on his part and some probing on mine). I was aware of his pornography use before and I told him years ago that he was addicted and needed to get help, but he was offended and I dropped the idea. Now he accepts, for the first time in his life, that he is an addict and that he can’t conquer this “problem” on his own. He has already made an appointment with an LDS therapist who has expertise in sex addiction and he seems willing, albeit a little reluctant, to go to SA meetings.

    I feel scared and anxious. It is clear to me that his addiction has been progressing all this time and it is frightening to think where it could lead if he doesn’t pursue real recovery. I would like to set some boundaries with him. I told him that I would stay married to him as long as he was working toward recovery but I wouldn’t put up with complacence. I’ve been reading many of your posts and I would also like to tell him that I will not have sex with him until I feel we can engage in lust-free intimacy. My question is: what is that? Sex with my husband is all I’ve ever known and he was deep into his addiction before we got married. He’s always struck me as a very considerate lover, one who would never cause me pain and embarrassment in the bedroom, but you assert that a lust addict cannot help but objectify his wife and I believe you. I don’t want to be a part of that. It isn’t good for him and it isn’t good for me. But I’m confused. Obviously, desire is an important part of human sexual response. How can I tell the difference between lust and passion? How will I know that it is safe to engage in sexual relations with my husband again?

    • The short answer is that when your husband is far enough along in a serious and measurable recovery program, you’ll know he is in recovery, you’ll know that you feel safe mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, and you’ll know it’s time to go down the intimacy road if you choose to.

      The longer answer is that you should probably talk to a qualified therapist with experience treating sex addiction if that’s at all possible. Also, attending meetings of S-Anon can help you learn from the experiences of other spouses more about the issue of sexual intimacy with a sex addict spouse. Finally, I’m reading a fabulous book right now by Rhyll Croshaw entitled What Can I Do About Me? Rhyll is the LDS wife of a recovering sex addict. She talks about all aspects of the spouse’s experience and I highly recommend that you read it.

  3. Thank you for the article and ladies for sharing your experiences! I feel so hallow and isolated too. It’s interesting that a comparison was made between the feelings and experiences of the wife of a porn addict to someone with someone with post traumatic stress disorder. I can identify with most of the symptoms. I married ten years ago having no idea that my husband had any problem with pornography and about four years ago I discovered his addiction.
    During that time there have been many promises to change and at times renewed efforts to do all the gospel basics however these periods have been punctuated with dishonesty and no effort to join any groups or seek any real help.
    I’m so discouraged and feel so very unattractive and useless. After my husbands most recent ‘slip’ I have been unable to even contemplate any kind of physical relationship. I feel as though every day I am simply going through the motions. I think all the time about leaving but with two children this is so heart breaking. I question if things will ever be right, even eternally, with children in this situation and was devastated to read your estimates of other male members of the church sharing the same problem.
    I feel as though I have lost faith in priesthood holders and judge them with the same cynicism and at times contempt. I have been unable to accept the offer of a blessing.
    I’m sorry if this post comes across as self pitying and self centred. I have not been able to talk about this with anyone. I was once a happy and confident young woman and now just feel utterly broken and a shadow of my former self.

  4. My friend referred me to your website after finding out that my husband of 12 years is an addict. I really feel like the spirit prompted me to open his email on the computer and see just how sick the man I love really is. I am in shock that he admitted that this has been happening for years and I had no idea. He also had non sexual lustful relationships with other women as well. I feel so hopeless that my marriage will ever be a normal happy one. My husband has finally admitted to being an addict and has taken considerable steps to get help including going to the bishop (which was no help at all) and going to an SA meeting. I am just so lost and in so much pain and wonder if I can ever trust him again.

  5. I am the wife of a porn addict. We’ve been married for 30 years. I found out just a few short months after we were married. I love my husband very much. He was excommunicated about 17 years ago, re-baptized about 13 years ago and temple blessings restored about 12 years ago. We have four grown children and they know nothing about it. He has had only a few months of being clean at a time our whole married life. He has just had about 5 months of being clean (that is a VERY long time for him). Before that, it was like 2 1/2 years that he barely had a couple days of being clean at a time. We just came home from the temple a week ago. The next day, he was caught in lies about where he was and what he was doing. I’m devastated once again. Thirty years and it does not get any easier nor hurt any less. When he is in the cycle or whatever you call it, he will not talk to me about it. I’ve tried to get him to talk to me this week and he will not. He just wants to be left alone. He wants to be free to stay up as late as he wants and do whatever he wants without being accountable to anyone. When he is clean, he is the kindest and most loving man. He tells me I’m beautiful and everything a woman would want to hear. When he is not clean, he is quick to anger, he is mean to me, he lies, he has a dark countenance, he’s deceitful and untrustworthy. It hurts so much. If he would just be honest with me and talk to me, but he won’t. Tonight I asked him to promise to never lie to me again. He said no, he couldn’t promise that because I keep asking him questions he’s asked me not to ask him. He doesn’t want me asking him any questions. He says when he’s ready to talk, he will let me know. That might be never or it might be a few years from now. It’s so hard, because I lose my best friend. The porn becomes the best friend and lover. I move down to way beyond 2nd or 3rd….more like 4th or 5th on the list. I need to remember every time this happens that he does still love me, (even though he treats me like he doesn’t) My mind goes crazy and I think maybe he’s found someone else, etc. etc. He committed adultery only once and that was over 17 years ago. But, I still am scared every time he falls into this addiction again. What if? I mean, he still is cheating on me, even if she’s not a real person, right? Sorry to go on and on. I don’t have anyone to talk to and our Bishop is related and not much help. Any thoughts on what would help me to help him? or what would help me?

    • Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to be helped. No one can overcome porn addiction alone and he doesn’t want anyone to be involved. At this point I think the only thing you can do is work on regaining your own sanity. You ought to download my book and read it. It’s free. Also get a hold of Rhyll Croshaw’s new book. Contact S-Anon and find out if there are local meetings–then go to as many as you can. Get the S-Anon literature and read it. Educate yourself about sex addiction and about living with an addict. God bless you in your struggle.

    • Even though it may seem hard at first, go to s-anon meetings! They are so helpful and have people that can listen and you can say anything to. It helps you stay sane through these hard times!

  6. My best friend and husband had an affair. She knew about his sex addiction and she took that and used it to her favor. As sad as it is I am over the bad part. She is out of our life but did it really have to take this to make him wake up! We are in Utah and someone told us about lifestar. If you have never heard about it but have a willing husband wanting to really look inward to what he can do this program is saving our marriage. The betrayal of my best friend and him having an affair was so deep. My soul literally was broken. You think your best friend has the same beliefs as you do she shows her self to be a perfect lds woman all the while having a full blown affair with my husband who she knew was very broken. This article tells it as it is. I feel I have been very patient with a man that I could see has broken that is how I stayed and fought the fought as long as I have. 21 years now and it took this to make him really see he is an addict and he does need serious intervention. More then a bishop or stake pres could offer. Here is the link for lifestar. If you have one in your area look it up. It has helped our marriage so much. For the men they deal right with the addiction teaching tools that can help them. For the woman they help us heal. Ever so powerful. Don’t wait look into your own healing. Books are great but you heal from action and deep intervention. Please my Sisters I know we hurt as Satan wants all marriages destroyed but don’t let him and see about this program. I read so many are hurting and our father above does not want us to hurt. We are his daughters and he loves us. God bless all of you.

    Sincerely, Melissa

    http://lifestarnetwork.org This program is not just for lds people we have had some ladies of different faith but it is an faith based program that can help. I have gotten to know and finally be able to trust woman again. Also the ladies may not have been through our same probs but it all relates so I feel that I relate with everyone in my group . Best wishes

  7. I also have to say that the strongest souls have been put here to be the wives of these broken men. Not all can stay married if that man is not willing but many can fight for their marriage we all just need the tools to do it and I believe in lifestar. What we have to deal with as wives of addicts truly is one of the most painful things. It is a devastating addiction and if it’s porn or affairs or what ever extreme I believe we all are hurting because as a woman I know the pain it causes and just because my husband had an affair the porn hurts just has bad. For me it was the betrayl of 2 people I cared deeply about that was the hardest part but as I look back I see that my friend may have some type of addiction as well as the 100’s of lies she had to tell and to be the best friend to me while she was the lover to my husband had to be hard. wearing a mask can not be fun it must be exhausting. I have a great deal of empathy for her and hope she has sought some help since this all came out. Best wishes again and hang in there.

    • Thanks for the comments. I just want to say that I’m a bit uncomfortable with talk about “strongest souls.” I don’t know that that’s true. Sex addiction and being married to a sex addict are just two of the many crosses that we might be called to bear in this life. We have friends who have lost children in child birth, or lost spouses in child birth or accidents. We have repeatedly experienced cancer in our family and lost loved ones to the disease. We have seen individuals suffer under the burden of depression and mental illness. We have friends who have exhausted themselves over the last 20 years caring for a disabled child. I can’t say that my wife is stronger than any of these people. I don’t think she would say she’s strong than any of them, either.

      In my view, the Atonement of Jesus Christ is for the weak, not the strong. I don’t need to be strong and neither does my wife. It turns out that my attempts at strength in overcoming my addiction were a disaster–because it was me relying on my own strength. My wife’s attempts at strength in controlling my behavior were also failures–because it was her relying on her own strength. It was only when we admitted we were powerless (weak) and that our lives had become unmanageable that we were able to look to God and ask Him what he wanted us to do. The strength we have experienced since then came from Him, not from us.

      • Andrew,

        I agree that there are many people in the world who struggle with very difficult trials and heartbreaking situations in their lives and that we really can’t “compare” them. We know each person is given the trials they need individually to be stretched and grow in the ways that the Lord needs them to. Although I have been emotionally devastated by my husband’s treatment because of his addiction, and my children are devastated that he is now choosing his “girlfriend” over his family, I just think of my friend whose son is suffering from an incurable disease and who must simply watch him die and think “it could be worse.” I know she must be incredibly strong to endure a trial that I feel would be more difficult “by comparison.”

        And yet, I do think there is something to be said for the “strength” of the wives of addicts who continue to be hopeful, prayerful, and supportive in the face of the Jekyll & Hyde they must live with. Those suffering from cancer, who have lost children, or who must spend a life in the care of others receive complete sympathy from everyone who knows of their struggle. They are given loving support and comfort by ward and family members. Wives of lust addicts can seek support in groups as you’ve mentioned, and hopefully find comfort from comments on this site, but they are continually beaten down spiritually, emotionally, and mentally by the addict they are trying to help. No one ever tells the mother of a dying child that this is “really your own fault.” No one tells the wife of a cancer patient, “he doesn’t really have cancer, you just need to take better care of him.” It is a very lonely road riddled with constant doubt and fear and I do believe it takes a special strength to endure it well.

  8. There’s a very important explanation given in this article – some vital information which explains the trigger for this behavior, to reach for the porn “drug.” Unfortunately, the information about pornography being used to medicate against painful emotions doesn’t appear until page 4.
    I don’t want any of your readers to miss this fact! We’ve often been told what porn addiction is NOT – very few people know what it IS!
    Please consider including this along with the message to wives that it’s not their fault and not even necessarily about sex – right up front like a thesis statement. I would hate for anyone to miss it.
    I’ll bet there’s even a lot of addicted men who haven’t made that connection.

  9. What an amazing letter. I am a member of the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I am the wife of a SA. Being the wife of a SA for almost 13 years has left me feeling like damaged goods so often that I wonder if it’s worth saving this marriage because I feel like I’m drowning. It is that trap of being let down that I have to overcome because of my husband’s SA. As with any relationship involving addiction, finding the strength to not allow another’s hurtful behavior rob me of my joy and happiness seems to be my challenge in this marriage. Thank you for the information and glimmer of hope.

  10. I feel so betrayed. You think I would be used to it by now. I have been married for 30 years and every few years porn raises its ugly head and destroys me all over again. The first time it happened was in the first year of our marriage. It’s getting harder to forgive. Every time it happens all of the past betrayals that I thought I had forgotten come rushing back. All of the anger, shame, helplessness, feelings of not being sexy enough and yes even hate. My husband refuses to get help. He won’t enter the 12 step program or see the bishop. This is the first time I have ever talked about it to anyone. My husband has spent so much time counseling others on how to avoid porn. He has talked to youth, individuals and Relief Societies because he was Bishop. I think he managed to stay away from it while he was Bishop, but after being released about one and a half years ago he is back at it. Now I just feel disgust and indifference towards him. This time is different , something changed inside me. I will never go back to being the person I was. I feel like I have been betrayed by every man in my life. My father, my husband and my grown son. At this point I think I hate all men. I will certainly never trust another one. I think the diabetes comparison is a cop out.

  11. Thank you for the letter. I must be hardened after dealing with this for so long. I think men or woman who won’t get help and control themselves are just big cowards and very selfish. It is time to grow up and deal with the emotional pain you have.

  12. Hey there,
    I’m so sorry that you are hurting as much as you are right now. I have been where you are on and off for the last ten years. Things are on an even keel at the moment but like Andrew has said the tide will always come back in for our husbands, sons and brothers.
    I know how angry, sick, betrayed and disillusioned you are feeling. I have been there too. It is hard to keep having faith in the priesthood as men choose to allow this thing back into their lives, and yes, it is a choice.
    Encourage your husband to do what is right and seek the help that he needs but work also on strengthening you.
    In spite of how you feel with the experiences you have gone through. You are a beautiful daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves you and knows you perfectly. I’m sure that both Him and our Savior mourn with us as we face these challenges.
    Talk to them about all of the feelings that you have, one of the hardest challenges is the feeling of isolation you have when you have a husband addicted to lust and pornography. Satan would have you feel that way, you are not alone.
    As I read the things that you have written I feel a great outpouring of love towards you. Whilst I seem to have plenty of positive things to share today. I hope that should this situation arise in my life again that there will be a good LDS wife who has the strength to lift me with something she says when I really need to hear it.
    May The Lord bless you with the comfort, strength and answers you need at this time.

  13. Thank you for writing this. It gives me a lot of comfort. However there are still many things that I do not understand. I have only been married for 1.5 years. He told me about his addiction when we were engaged and we have both been on this rocky path to recovery ever since. I know that I am powerless over this addiction and cannot cure him. I wonder though, how much lying and deceit I should take. Looking around I see so many of these relationships end in disaster and if it is only a matter of time until I too have reached my breaking point. We have no children, which is a reason I think many people stay in their relationships with their addict, so i wonder why i would sit in the middle of the street and watch as a semi-truck comes speeding my way, why not get out of the way?

    I know there is always hope, but the feeling I get from attending S-ANON is that I need to take care of myself, I need to restore myself to sanity and turn my will to God. If this is the case (and i believe it is) then shouldn’t I leave a relationship that has gives me PTSD, self-doubt and shame?

    I appreciate the perspective and comments of others…

    • Dear TC and others,

      I have been in your shoes, my dear friend. Some of you are in relationships that will be your greatest challenge, and are worth the struggle for- for the love you have for your husband, or he for you, and for the commitment you two made to each other.

      The rest of you are in relationships that are eating your very souls into nothing but decayed heartache. This is where I have been.

      If you question whether you should leave, the answer lies in one thing- communication between your Heavenly Father and yourself- only he knows what you can handle, and what is coming in your future. My answer was two years in coming; others I know took ten years, others a matter of months.

      The answer I got was that I would be destroyed if I stayed. But this is not the case for everyone. You need to find out if it is for you.

      My best friend’s husband is also addicted to pornography- but they have a very different relationship than my former husband and I did. Her husband told her about his addiction before they were married, and keeps her informed. She doesn’t feel that he’s lied to her, or that she can’t trust him. He still messes up even after 7 years of their marriage, but she found that she loved him despite this mortal failing, and committed to him after that, and then they married. So despite everything, she is very happy. They are trying to start a family. I have absolute respect for my friend, this amazing, loving, strong woman.

      This can be the case. Most wives’ husbands’ addictions to pornography will not destroy them, but mine would have, I’m certain of it. Heavenly Father told me so. I was dying, inside and out. The very walls of my house were melting down, and Satan lived with us there. I had lost everything about who I was- the PASG meetings drained and depressed me, seeing how many men and women were hurting because of this addiction, and seeing the longevity of some of the men’s addictions was no inspiration either. I was no longer funny, creative, mischievous, light-hearted, hopeful, passionate, dynamic; forget happy or secure. I was an empty gray shell of the former vital woman I had been.

      This was not Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I was supposed to be a powerful woman, capable of being a great instrument in his hands- to hold callings, and support my ward and friends and family. Instead I was broken, my days filled with hours of arguing, and then more hours on the phone with my parents who tried to patch me up after endless abuses; I had time for no one and nothing else. I knew I was supposed to be spending my time using my particular talents of engaging, inspiring and uplifting others to help bear THEIR burdens, and bring THEM out of darkness, but instead I was helping no one.

      For two years I prayed to know if Heavenly Father thought I needed to leave, but the answer was always ambiguous. I kept asking family and friends how much was enough- how much should I take? NO ONE could answer me. I realized this could only be answered by myself and Heavenly Father. So I continued to pray. Then one day Heavenly Father told me I would be destroyed if I stayed. So I filed paperwork and we were divorced ten days later.

      The return from the grave was a long task- it took about three years. I learned to trust, to love, to feel passion, and to feel safe again. Much of this was through my deepening trust and relationship with Heavenly Father, and by him through my new husband as well. I have now become SUCH a stronger instrument than I might have otherwise been had I not experienced that trial. And I now know that that was His plan all along. The refiner’s fire!!

      SO! If you’re trying to figure out to stay or leave but don’t know what to do yet, in the mean time, LEARN all you can from your experience. It will help you either in this marriage, with your family and friends, with any others around you, or possibly with another spouse in the future. Heavenly Father absolutely knows you, loves you, and is very aware of your situation. Sometimes getting no answer is His way of refining us.

      I love you, my friend. I don’t know where you are, but I feel Heavenly Father’s love for you so greatly. Don’t despair- you will find happiness again, I promise!!

      Caitlin

  14. This site has been more helpful than any counselin g clinic, include the specialized ones, in helping me understand my husband’s addiction and how I should handle it.

    That being said, I hope you might have a moment to comment on a decision I’m needing to make after reading through a number of your articles. My husband has started counseling again, one-on-one, and the counselor and he have decided to work on a particular ongoing years-long project that is causing him the most stress (he should have had it done years go). As far as I can tell, there is no effort being made for a plan to work on any other aspect of his addiction.

    I understand that this project is causing a lot of negative emotions, so it is very likely a huge trigger for him. But is just getting it out of the way so it’s not bothering him really the way to deal with his addiction, especially at the exclusion of everything else?

    I have decided I need to implement the boundaries you mentioned in your boundaries article but, since I know he is not actively in recovery (no group meetings, no sponsor, no meetings with his Bishop, no openness with me, etc.), that means I need to get out of the house (I have been going nuts and needed to do so for ages but was unsure how to go about it, now at least I finally have words to explain why I need it and have been going so crazy, emotionally and mentally). But am I being too harsh, knowing how big this one thing is that he’s working on? (it’s taking all his time to get it accomplished and out of the way, I’m not sure he could find the time for SA without risking not finishing this thing on time) Is this a bad time for me to leave for a while, and is what he’s doing right now enough? I don’t know how he’ll find time for more and still meet his latest (possibly last available) deadline.

  15. I just read this article and have to agree with many above. I feel more distraught than ever. So I will always be competing with other women…. Im so done with all the church referenced too. It just one more reason to doubt the whole faith. My husband was the Gospel Doctrine Teacher, seminary teacher… etc….

    How am I suspossed to feel any comfort in the fact that as of this afternoon I WILL ALWAYS be second and not enough.

    My story, I have found porn for the past three years. Always to be met with a denial… begging and empty promises… My self estmeme is almost non exsistant after the worst discovery last week… I want to curl up under a rock and die!

    We have been married for over 21 years, have 5 children, 2 successful careers. We always had a great sex life or so I thought… Mabey that was all a lie too… But things over the past few years have gotten much more “creative”. Our fighting has gotten worse along side of my self worth. 2 weeks ago was bad. Really bad, it got physical because he was denying everything and not giving me any validation. He said my depression has gotten worse. I needed medicine. After one week of working very hard to pull myself out of a hole… We were in the car on our way to actually see a new doctor, I had actually hope… I pulled up his GPS and found saved photos. These photos are not at all soft porn- IT BROKE ME! I cannot do this anymore! OF all the fucking days- he chose that morning tot seek another woman? This shows you that how I feel is actually correct. I do mean nothing- absolutely nothing….I went to the doctor, spent the night in a hotel and am back home sleeping in my college daughters room. The Hurt I feel right now, is indescribable.

    So forgive me if I don’t want to have sympathy for him and his COP out ADDICTION right now!

    • hurting wife: You don’t have to have sympathy for him. You just need to stop beating yourself up. What he is doing has far far less to do with you than you can possibly imagine.

      • What a difference a year makes- A LOT of therapy and a lot of nearly relationship ending fights. A lot of nights alone in a hotel deciding if I wanted to keep trying…

        I realize that this is his problem but it is also very much my problem and has everything to do with me- it’s not right or fair to put a flipped response of “it has far less to do with you than you think”… My life- my 23 year marriage- my five children have all been directly affected by this evil in our home…

        There was domestic abuse- both physical and sexual, constant porn, awful mood swings, and it also affected his business. Family income was used to feed this evil- all while holding high LDS callings- so YES it did have everything to do with ME and MY FAMILY.

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