This last little while I have struggled in my recovery. The resentment is less at the forefront. I am learning to spot it, to surrender it to Heavenly Father, to make phone calls in order to talk it through with a sponsor or friend in Sexaholics Anonymous.

Uncovering Fear

Ninety meetings in ninety days can be a good sign of willingness to recover.

What has been thumping me on the head like a brick, however, is fear. The great trifecta of negative emotions that trigger my addiction: lust, resentment and fear. They feed off each other. They make me crazy. They make me feel like I need to self-medicate with pornography and compulsive sexual behavior.

Fear merits ten or twenty posts all to itself. Suffice it to say that I am learning to identify the fear by doing spot inventories during the day as suggested in the Tenth Step.

When I spot it, I bring it to the light. I admit it to someone. I pray and acknowledge to Heavenly Father that I am powerless over fear and ask Him to take it away from me. He does. Without fear, not surprisingly, lust is dramatically less appealing to my addict mind.

More Meetings Means More Immersion in Recovery

When I struggle, the single most effective thing for me to do is to attend more meetings of Sexaholics Anonymous. Right now, I’m in the middle of ninety meetings in ninety days. That’s what the alcoholics in AA recommend to those drinkers who are struggling. The advice also works for sexaholics like me.

I know that a lot of Latter-day Saints who struggle with porn would like to hear that I read my scriptures more and pray more when I’m struggling. I don’t and there’s a very good reason why I don’t.

When I have trouble with lust, fear or resentment, the addict part of my brain wants to disappear into secrecy and isolation. That’s what I really want when I struggle: secrecy and isolation.

I Am a Dishonest LDS Scripture Reader

The addict part of my brain hijacks what would normally be healthy activities like prayer and scripture study and actually turns them against me by using them as opportunities for secrecy and isolation. Am I struggling with lust? Great! I’ll keep it a secret by not telling anyone. Instead I’ll deal with it alone and in isolation–with lots and lots of prayer and scripture study! That is a recipe for failure and I have about thirty years of experience to prove it.

Instead of isolation and secrecy, I deliberately choose to go in the other direction: meetings, meetings, meetings. Lots of meetings with other recovering addicts who are further along in recovery than I am. Lots of meetings with newer members who are desperate to hear my experience, strength and hope. Ninety meetings in ninety days–and continued freedom from lust.

Tonight, after a phone meeting of Sexaholics Anonymous (fifteen people on the line sharing their recovery experiences) and before bed, I popped open my scriptures and read about Paul on the road to Damascus and King Benjamin on the tower. I felt the peace that comes from the scriptures. I knelt with my nine-year-old son and we offered a prayer of gratitude.

Scripture Reading with Gratitude

After he went to sleep, I offered second prayer of gratitude to Heavenly Father. I thanked him for another twenty-four hours of sexual sobriety. I thanked Him for bringing me out of secrecy and isolation so that I could stay sober and share the great message of hope and recovery with others. I thanked Him for the many people who know my story and keep me connected with others in a healthy way.

This is so different from the desperate scripture reading and the desperate prayers of the past when I would beg for strength to battle the temptations–in secrecy and isolation, of course. Just me and my scriptures and my prayers–telling God what I expected Him to do. Never once saying, “Thy will not mine be done.”

Heavenly Father apparently doesn’t want me to battle addiction in secrecy and isolation. He wants me to help others and He wants others to help me. That’s how recovery from addiction works. And I enjoy my prayers and scripture study so much more these days, too.

Everyone Else Is Doing It…

If you are struggling with pornography and sexual addiction, I urge you to commit to and actually attend ninety SA meetings in ninety days. Then I ask you to write me and tell me how your life has changed–and how your prayers and scripture study have changed, too.

Image credit: en:User:Shuki [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons