A book that deals with the topic of overcoming sex addiction asserts that if lustful thoughts are permitted “to remain in our heads without dealing with [them] immediately, we begin physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, and neurological changes within us.” Note that there are five types of change that lust can bring about inside us. I understand now that for years I was focusing on what I thought were the spiritual issues of my problem and completely ignoring the emotional, mental, physical and neurological components of addiction. I also wasn’t enlisting the help of those most qualified to assist me on the “non-spiritual” end of the spectrum.
There is no question that I should have been looking to my priesthood leaders for help with spiritual issues and to advise me on spiritual matters. Emotional matters can be directly related to the spiritual ones, so they might have helped me there as well. Once we get into mental concerns, however, a priesthood leader is probably outside his expertise unless he has training in that area related to his vocation. A priesthood leader would only treat physical ailments if he were also a physician. Neurological problems are, of course, best left to the specialists. The way I was going, it was like rendering aid to the victim of a shotgun blast by applying focused pressure to just one of the many entry wounds while he bleeds to death out of all the rest.
Over the course of my adult life, I have spoken at different times with perhaps eleven priesthood leaders about my struggles with pornography and sexually acting out. They felt for me and expressed love and concern as I related my shame, suffering and frustration. All of these men recommended treatment of my problem with the balm of repentance and forgiveness through the Atonement. Although I embraced their counsel wholeheartedly, it just didn’t seem to be enough to keep me from going back to my addiction.
But then things changed. I have now been sexually sober for long enough to know with certainty that I can stay sober for the rest of my life. Sexual sobriety has a specific meaning to me: no form of sex with self or any other person other than spouse. Period. It also means progressive victory over lust. This is by far the longest period of complete sobriety that I have enjoyed in many years, perhaps in all my adult life. Along with sobriety comes serenity and happiness. I recently told my wife that for the first time in my life, I am happy without an asterisk next to the word “happy.”
To what do I attribute my sobriety? Interestingly, it did not come through a renewed and somehow greater commitment to abstinence from pornography and acting out sexually. I am no more serious about remaining sober now than I was all those other times when I vowed to myself and the Lord that I would never act out again.
There is also one other thing about which I am dead certain. My heart is no more broken and my spirit is no more contrite now than they were in the past. When I was molested as a six-year-old, my heart was broken and my spirit was contrite. When I talked to my bishop as a teenager about my desire to stop lusting and acting out sexually, my heart was broken and my spirit contrite. When I put my marriage at risk and first disclosed to my wife years ago that I thought I might have a problem with internet pornography that I couldn’t seem to beat on my own, my heart was broken and my spirit contrite. When I went to meet with my bishop the next evening, my heart was broken and my spirit contrite.
Each time I met with a priesthood leader about trying to find a solution to my “problem,” my heart was broken and my spirit contrite. Every time I spoke to my wife about my inability to stay away from pornography and then had to watch the pain in her face as she tried to understand, my heart was broken and my spirit contrite. Through the health crises my wife and I have endured where we have both sat in hospital beds hooked up to bags of poisonous chemicals and looked death straight in the eyes—and then did it again and again and again with our youngest child—my heart was broken and my spirit contrite. When I finally disclosed to my wife the extent of my acting out over the past several years and again placed our marriage on the brink of oblivion, I had a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I don’t think my problem was that I lacked a broken heart or a contrite spirit. That pretty much describes my entire life.
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I’ve really enjoyed this site. I’ve been learning a lot. I actually thought I had this thing licked so many times. But your analogy about the marbles is dead on. I’m going to my first SAA meeting tomorrow and I’m really excited.
X: Thanks for reading and commenting. I wish you all the best. Keep an open mind with Sex Addicts Anonymous and try to find other LDS guys in the program. You might also seriously consider Sexaholics Anonymous. That’s the program I attend. Their definition of sexual sobriety exactly matches the Gospel standard and a lot of LDS men are finding recovery there. Please let me know how things are going.
Thank you so much for this wonderful website… I’m… a sex addict. I will be getting married soon to the most wonderful women in the entire world. But I kept “slipping up” as you would call it. I just… was so angry at myself, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t stop myself sometimes. It hurt so much that I was contemplating suicide at times. I was swearing to myself that I loved her more than anything but I still made mistakes. And I could never keep a secret from her, so I told her and it hurt her as well. Honestly, my addiction was literally killing me and all I had to go on was that “I’m not strong enough, if you were better spiritually you would be able to stop. You must be weak if you can’t stop.” These articles have… they have helped me so much. Thank you, you have literally saved me. I can never thank you enough. Thank you. I wish you all the best.
M: I wish you all the best. Please keep working on your recovery. Go to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings. Keep seeing a therapist. Keep in contact with your sponsor. Never let yourself believe in the “marriage cure”! God bless you as you work toward recovery.
Andrew — I want to thank you for your amazing insights on the broken-heart-and-contrite-spirit merry-go-round as well as your analogy on battleship and marbles. So much of these ideas are wrapped up in my own heartbreaking 50-yr-old battle with lust and acting out. In June, I finally humbled myself to act on my counselor’s advice and attend my first PASG meeting. By mid August, I started attending SA at least twice weekly, as well, and can’t tell you how profoundly “new” I’m starting to feel as God begins to restore my sense of self worth and works to build a new man out of me.
As ironic as it may sound, I sense so much power in admitting my powerlessness over my drug of choice and acknowledging my dependence on God for delivery from this horrible monster of lust. I am now comfortable with admitting that I’ll always be an addict, and if it requires me to keep attending these meetings for the rest of my life, so much the better.
My wife is starting to sense that there’s something new about me; maybe for the first time in my life, I’m starting to know what happiness is, having purged from inside me all that I’d tried to keep hidden for so long. Thanks so much for an inspiring read on a rainy night.
Thank you for an amazing post. I’ve quit so many times I’ve lost count. My wife has not been able to deal with this – I thought it would destroy my marriage. I finally talked to my current Bishop and did not get the usual “God loves you and so do I – you’ll sort it out” speech. He encouraged therapy which I’ve recently started with a Christian counselor. He will work on the porn part – he doesn’t see a problem with masturbation as it is not mentioned in the Bible, so I’ll take one challenge at a time. At least checking in with him and the Bishop have given me some accountability and strength. I don’t know if my marriage will survive going to SA but I hope I don’t have to choose between being “right with the Lord” and holding on to my marriage. Thank you for giving my hope. I discovered this site purely by accident (I love disguised inspiration). May God bless you for your efforts to help me.
thank you for the the things you have written. they are great. i sent a link to my stake president, and he thanked me and sent your blog to all of his bishops and high council.
President Boyd K. Packer said:
True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the Gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the Gospel. (General Conference, October 1986)
Good quote. It doesn’t mean, however, what most LDS porn addicts wish it meant. You’ve inspired a new four-part post, “Four Big Reasons Why LDS Porn Addicts Love to Misquote Boyd K. Packer.” Thanks.
Andrew, Thank you so much for this amazing blog. In all my research on this subject I feel that you most accurately address the real issue of sex addiction as well it’s challenges in the LDS community. My husband and I live in an area that doesn’t have a huge amount of resources that are available to addicts and their spouses. We have found SA and S-Anon meetings that we are beginning to attend. The problem is the lack of sponsors, especially ones that would share our faith. The ARP meetings that we have attended in the past severely lack in attendance and therefore sponsors are non-existent. Also the ARP meetings are general and not specific to the SA problem. Can you tell me where we can access LDS Sponsors so we can continue on the road of being successful in finding recovery. Even if it needs to be people we check in with on the phone. Any help you can provide with this will be hugely appreciated. Thank you for all you do. You are doing the Lords work here.