Warning | This LDS Porn Addiction Recovery Website May Not Be for You!

Admitting porn addiction isn’t for everyone.

We’ve received a number of comments and emails recently from individuals who are either angry about what they’ve read on this website or assert that we’re painting with too broad of a brush. I guess I need to say this again: This website is not for everyone. The purpose of this site is to provide help, information and hope for those hurt by sex and pornography addiction. It attempts to do so through the lens of the Restored Gospel.

If you are LDS and believe that a little porn and masturbation fifty or sixty times a year for the past fifteen years has not harmed your marriage, this site is not for you. If you are LDS and don’t see a problem with staying up until four in the morning binging on porn and masturbation while your spouse sleeps next to you–and then lying to him or her the next morning–this site is not for you. If you are LDS and believe that viewing porn (euphemistically referred to by at least one Mormon therapist as “erotica”) has had and will continue to have a positive and bonding influence in your marriage, this site is not for you.

If on the other hand, you are a Latter-day Saint who struggled as a teen, then as a young adult and now as a married man or woman with overwhelming compulsions to consume porn–feeling at times that you are even acting against your will–this website will give you hope that you can stop and never go back. If you are the LDS wife or husband of a chronic porn binger, this website will help you understand what’s really going on in your loved one’s mind. If you are LDS and feel deep in your heart that repentance requires the complete forsaking of the sin–but you just can’t figure out how to forsake–this website will not only show you how to forsake but also promises that you can go on to become the disciple of Christ you’ve come to believe was out of reach for you.

If it makes you happy and brings you fulfillment to view full-color, full-sound videos of unlimited combinations and numbers of individuals engaging in every type of sex act imaginable with others they may or may not know, you will not like what we have to say here. If, however, that kind of stuff makes you sick–but you keep looking anyway–I pray that you’ll read every page on this site.

If you are LDS and looking for justifications for your continued porn consumption, you will not find them here. You will, however, find a clear explanation for that continued consumption as well as a promise that you can stop if you become willing to do whatever Heavenly Father says you need to do.

If you are single, this website will assure you that sexual sobriety brings with it a happy and productive life that leaves nothing to be desired. If you are married, we can make several promises that will shock many of those Mormons whose lives have been steeped in sexuality and lust from before they were even teens. One is that porn and masturbation need not be parts of your sexual reality if you don’t want them to be. Another is that lust-free intimacy between husband and wife is infinitely more exciting and fulfilling than lust-driven sex. Most Mormons (as well as most residents of Planet Earth) are unaware that lust-free intimacy even exists. We are breaking that story to the world on this website with a special invitation to members of the LDS Church to discover lust-free intimacy.

Also, we aren’t saying that every Mormon who looks at porn is an addict. If you find that statement anywhere in this site, let us know and we’ll change it. Our job is not to convince Latter-day Saints that they’re addicts or that they’re married to one. We leave it to the individuals to figure out what they’re dealing with. We do believe, however, that if you’ve tried to stop your porn consumption–and tried and tried and tried–only to fail again, we have an explanation for the failure and a promise that recovery is both possible and wonderful!

There are a lot of Latter-day Saints who are screaming on the inside right now but outwardly are suffering in silence. Pornography has become an unwelcome companion in their lives. Some of the other Mormon-focused websites out there are urging people to embrace the lust-driven life. In contrast, we believe there is a better way.

As Latter-day Saints, we have a lot of work to do in this messed up world of ours. Gratefully, Heavenly Father has given us recovery tools and guides–Church leaders and addicts in recovery. God bless the addicts who are willing to admit their addiction so they can get well and then help others get well. May God also bless the unwilling that they might become willing.

Image 1 credit in the public domain per Pratheepps by Wikimedia Commons

Image 2 credit: Bersam by Wikimedia Commons

About Andrew+

Latter-day Saint, sex and pornography addict in recovery, dealing with depression, returned missionary, father of a bunch of kids, graduate degree, self-employed, Book of Mormon reader, writer and thinker. Working on understanding and overcoming resentment, the number one killer of addicts.

Comments

Warning | This LDS Porn Addiction Recovery Website May Not Be for You! — 11 Comments

  1. Thank you for writing what you write here. I feel like there is A LOT of conflicting information “out there” about sexual addiction and whether or not specific behaviors are appropriate. The things I read here are the things that ring true to me. So I appreciate you writing.

  2. You hit the nail on the head once again with this post. To those who are offended by a clear description of this serious problem of pornography addiction I would say, “The truth never hurts unless it should.” I know because it struck me at the core of my soul and started a much needed process of spiritual surgery, cutting away decades of entrenched spiritual flaws.

    I randomly came across the essays on this site and started reading and realized immediately that finally someone understood the “real” problems and solutions related to addiction to pornography and it’s root which is addiction to lust. These essays moved me to action which helped me find an SA group where I could start working the steps to recovery. Even though it has only been a few months of sobriety for me, this marks the first time ever in the past 20+ years that I am truly on a path to recovery.

    Thanks for your writings.

    • Thanks for spending time on the website. I’m glad some of it was useful in helping you figure out that our “little problem” isn’t little at all. I’m happy to hear that you’re attending SA meetings. I know a growing number of LDS men who are finding true sobriety and recovery in Sexaholics Anonymous. With the tools they acquire in SA, they are able address the roots of their illness and become better Latter-day Saints. Best of luck to you in your ongoing recovery.

  3. I can’t agree more. It makes sense. The gospel is directly tied to finding happiness and overcoming addiction. Black and white. No excuses. Thanks. I travel a lot, and come to this site often for strength and that extra boost I need.

  4. Your website is right on the money. I am a recovering LDS sex addict (porn and mb) of 920+ days. My wife and I lead a PASG and ARP Group in our Stake. It has been a huge blessing in our lives, and has helped hasten our own recoveries. We use stories from your website in our presentations frequently. Thanks for all your work.

  5. Andrew,

    I came across your site by chance and the first post I read was about LDS sex blogs. I happen to disagree with you on some of what you say in that particular blog as you will see from my response to that. (awaiting moderation)

    Having said that, I have then read a number of the other posts on your site and find the content to be excellent and spot on.

    I have struggled for many years with finding sexual stimulation outside of my marriage. Without going into the details, much of this was not in the typical ways but nevertheless I have known that some of behavior has been inappropriate (and yes, for me the LDS sex blog itself may well be one of these ways). But because my behavior didn’t follow many of the typical patterns, I have resisted the sexual addiction label. Having read some of what has been said here, I realize I have to accept where I am and what action needs to be taken by me, so thank you for that.

    At the same time, might I offer a word of caution based on my reading of your LDS sex blog post. I have noticed that some who overcome, control, or move on from sin or addiction can tend to become over zealous in their approach to others with similar addictions. It becomes a crusade, and, ‘having seen the light’ themselves, they become impatient with others who don’t immediately ‘get it’ in the way that they have. I say this because that is how your post came across to me and I believe that ultimately, that may reduce the effectiveness of your message. I say this not as a criticism, but as insight I hope might help the way you present your views.

    • MM: Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. You’re not the first person who has given me heat for the “sex blogs” post. I know it rubs some people the wrong way and even hurts some feelings so your criticism is perhaps warranted. A problem I’m facing as one of the voices in the whole dialog within the Church about addiction, however, is helping people recognize the realities of (1) lust as a negative and harmful thing, (2) lust in marriage and (3) lust addiction.

      I didn’t expect that any of the LDS folks with the types of blogs I refer to were going to stop blogging just because of what I wrote. My hope was more that they and those who happen to read those blogs would take a second look at the role of lust in their lives. So much of what I read in those blogs prior to my post was really troubling from the perspective of a recovering addict. So much of their information could be condensed to one over-simplified idea and that is that lust is OK as long as you focus it on your spouse. That doesn’t work for addicts and co-addicts. Focusing their lust on each other just makes their respective diseases worse. And one problem that exacerbates the mess is that most addicts and co-addicts really only want to learn just enough to be able to “control and enjoy” their addiction. Alcoholics want to learn to “drink like gentlemen.” Lust addicts want to learn to “lust like everyone else.” Co-addicts want to learn to control their addicted loved one. For all addicts, there is no such thing as “drinking like a gentleman.” They have to recognize their drug, come to terms with their powerlessness over it and then begin to work a recovery program that methodically eliminates the “bottles stashed around the house.”

      I think you make an excellent point that there needs to be an appropriate dialog within the Church about sexuality and that the uptight silence of the past never worked and especially doesn’t work now. I am certainly not advocating silence. Like I said, I want to inject into the dialog a better understanding of the debilitating effects of lust (as compared with true passion and lust-free intimacy) on those who are either addicted already or headed in that direction. I’m also with you that the “good girl syndrome” needs to be addressed. One of the ways we do that, I think, is by talking more about the pervasive role of lust in many LDS marriages.

      Some of those Latter-day Saints who suffer from “good girl syndrome” are actually married to sex addicts who pour all their lust into their sex relationship with their spouse. These guys effectively act out with their drug, but since it’s all focused (sort of) on the wife, they figure they’re not doing anything wrong. The poor wife, however, senses that something is wrong, but usually can’t put her finger on the problem. She feels the detrimental effects of her husband’s objectification but doesn’t realize that he’s objectifying her, basically using her as a tool for his own gratification. She feels dehumanized and feels like the type of sexual “intimacy” she’s engaged in with her husband is sinful. And in fact it is; not because of her, but because of what her husband is bringing into the bedroom in the form of lust.

      I know that you’re not suggesting that the solution is as simple as everyone in the Church just loosening up a little and talking about sex more, and that–like me–you see this whole area as complex and confusing to a lot of people. And you’re right, I do need to be more careful not to sound self-righteous when I’m out there adding to the dialog. For what it’s worth, a lot of my other writing does talk about the fact that with addiction, I’m never cured even though I may be in recovery. Every day for the rest of my life I have to work on being sober for just one more day. Not working my recovery program in earnest can lead to disastrous consequences for me and my family.

      I will never be some guy on a hilltop calling down to those poor addicts in the muck below just to follow my example. I call that the “ensign on the hill” model of leadership. It’s what the Church leaders have committed to–and it absolutely does not work for addicts. The “ensign on the hill” model of leadership is where we put righteous (or apparently righteous) people on a pedestal and then these people teach us about the blessings of obedience and warn us about the misery of sin. For generations, the assumption has been that if the ensigns on the hill just explain the misery of sin clearly and often enough, the truly penitent sinners will just stop sinning. But this has never worked for addicts.

      It turns out that the single most powerful earthly influence to help addicts (LDS or not) achieve true and lasting recovery is a regular association with other addicts in various stages of recovery. Instead of an ensign standing up on the hill and calling down to the addicts to climb out of the muck in the ditch and come up beside him on the hill where the view of life is so grand, the “addict in recovery” model of leadership consists of addicts in recovery stepping down into the ditch with the flailing addict and saying, “Take my hand and I will help you out of the ditch. Then I’ll show you how you can make changes in your life so you never fall in the ditch again as long as you remain willing to do whatever it takes.”

  6. Pingback: For Mormons, Are Our Only Options Masturbation or Sexual Repression?

  7. Thaks for all you do and this resource. It has given me tremendous hope! Please never stop adding content!